Sophie's Coming Out Story
"I was finally looking at myself in the mirror and what I saw was something I had always been"Coming out as a lesbian to the people in my life was emotional and monumental, but the most important “coming out” I went through was coming out to myself.
Coming out started with the realization that I was gay in the first place. I spent my entire childhood and academic life in Berlin and Brussels surrounded by queer culture, and yet, all throughout my school and college years I had no idea I was attracted to women. That might be hard for some people to understand. Even though I was strangely aware of the way certain girls interacted with me, it never crossed my mind that it could possibly have anything to do with romantic feelings. Looking back now, I realize how strongly my mind suppressed the possibility that I could be gay.
“so many irrational stigmas had been ingrained into me my entire life”
The sheer thought was too much to handle, so I shut it out. My head overruled the understanding in my heart. Many aspects of my surroundings contributed to that happening, so many irrational stigmas had been ingrained into me my entire life, I was trying to avoid having to face my entirely flawed belief system. I had one of those “everyone else can be gay but not me” attitudes. It makes me ashamed to even admit that, but it’s the truth and it wasn’t my conscious choice to think that way.
I was always told that being a homosexual woman in the society I was raised into would inevitably lead to a life full of struggle and hardship. Being only a child, my protective instincts convinced me that identifying as gay was not an option. This was further solidified by the complete lack of positive representation of fulfilled queer lives in media or my surroundings.
In my relationships with men, I always found emotional love for my partners, but never physical. It tore me up because I had convinced myself that something inside me was broken and that was my burden to live with. I wanted to be a good partner, a good daughter, a “normal” friend, so I overruled my heart and let my head turn me into the woman that my surroundings encouraged me to be; however, my relationships started falling apart. Desperate to fix myself, I sought out a sexual therapist who I saw for two years.
“It is the often unspoken, shared comprehension that gives the LGBTQ+ community it’s solidarity”
My first romantic relationship had left me with so much trauma to work through that I wasn’t even capable of recognizing my own sexuality during that process. I thought therapy could fix me in order to stay perfect, and instead found myself falling apart. Anybody that has desperately wished to change something about themselves that is unchangeable, understands how isolating, corroding and hopeless of a process this is. It is the often unspoken, shared comprehension that gives the LGBTQ+ community it’s solidarity.
Despite my teenage years having been some of the darkest times in my life, if given the chance to go back and change my life, I probably wouldn’t. My experiences taught me compassion and openness towards others. When I was 22 I decided to move to New York City. It was a big step away from my comfort zone and a huge step towards myself. This new-found world that wasn’t pre-shaped by the people I grew up trying to please was what it took for me to face who I truly was. That’s the beauty of not knowing anyone around you. You are at liberty to take up space for yourself.
Realistically, what happened? A friend of mine from back home told me that she had fallen in love with me. Whether she was serious or saying it flirtatiously – I will never know. It hit me like a bus. The realization that what I was feeling towards her, and had felt towards so many other women before, was something that could possibly be reciprocated, knocked me on my a**, for lack of a better description. It was the one missing puzzle piece to so many clues in my life leading up to that moment.
“I was finally looking at myself in the mirror and what I saw was something I had always been”
Ultimately, my coming out to family and friends was emotional, vulnerable and scary, but it was all something that was secondary to the moment of coming out to myself. I was finally looking at myself in the mirror and what I saw was something I had always been. I started the process of accepting myself and giving myself permission to let myself love and desire women right then and there. Of course coming out to the people I cared for wasn’t something I did easily, but the hardest part was facing my own boundaries and finally breaking free of them. To this day, I find little pieces of fear or shame inside myself that I have to carefully remove from my heart. But every time I do, I become a little lighter.
Coming out stories
Sophie Kietzmann
Edited by Aislinn O'Keeffe
LGBTQ+ Photographer
