I’ve come out several times in my life – my identity continually unfolding as I continue to know and love myself and connect with like community. When I learned what being queer or gay was it had a negative connotation, and with a sinking feeling, I tried to push it down.

My parents are, and always have been, wonderful humans. My mother knew to say the singsong “boytoy” when it came to grabbing Happy Melas, my pops taught me to box and hold my head up, and they both did what they could to protect me as a Black gender non-conforming kid in the Midwest.

“I begged for these feelings and desires to be burned away”

First, puberty was terrible. As breasts budded my mental health plummeted – my body seemed to be betraying me. I struggled with my sexuality and gender – not even having the language to articulate my attraction to everyone and my allegiance to no gender. I began going to a very conservative church, against my parents’ wishes and begged for these feelings and desires to be burned away. 

In high school, I came out as a lesbian to a select few, and turned to substances to numb my discomfort in my skin and in society. In college, I was fully out, this time as queer. I slid back into my tomboy ways but still lacked the language and sense of safety to articulate my gender. 

“I’m nonbinary, queer, and happy as hell”

Moving to Albuquerque saved my life. I met trans people of color, I found community, and I found my voice. I’m nonbinary, queer, and happy as hell. I was able to start testosterone and get top surgery, feeling my outsides match my insides – always picturing the ten-year-old tomboy in braids and how gleeful they are with how they grew up.

The last time I came out was as an addict and alcoholic – addiction is a real issue in the LGBTQIA+ community, how many brick and mortar establishments dedicated to us do you know of besides bars? Alcohol was my primary tool in dealing with my gender dysphoria, anxiety, and depression – but this tool turned into a weapon and no longer served me.

I’m grateful to be coming up on two years sober, for the growing LGBTQIA+ recovery community, and to live every day fully present and grateful for this one wild life and its endless lessons.