Vanessa's Coming Out Story
"No more internalized anger, no more fear, no more withheld emotions"The first celebrity that I adored was Britney Spears. I was so obsessed with her that my family called me a Britney fanatic, which inspired my AIM username- fanatic7747. I collected every poster of hers that I could find in every Seventeen and J-14 magazine. I read every interview article and studied her words like they were gold.
My bedroom walls were covered in posters of her, with the occasional Hanson brother or N*Sync member thrown in because that’s who my sister was into and I wanted to fit in. Britney was beautiful, happy, talented, alluring, and dreamy. At first, I wanted to be her best friend, then I wanted to be her. It wasn’t until I reached 10 years old that I came to terms with the fact that I wanted to be in love with her.
Something deep within me felt that I needed to keep this revelation a secret. I was raised in a religious environment which ensured that I knew ‘right’ from ‘wrong.’ Although my feelings towards Britney were very real, I kept them a secret and pushed them out of my focus because there was no way I was a sinner. I wasn’t gay. I couldn’t be. I was a good person who was kind to others, smiled at everyone, went to church every Sunday, and studied the bible. I wasn’t the sinner that I had learned about, the wayward child who had chosen the sinful path.
“I didn’t realize where that unnecessary anger was coming from”
I spent my entire childhood ‘being’ straight. I talked openly about my crushes on boys and blushed when my grandpa teased me and asked if I had a boyfriend. I turned my crushes on girls into jealousy and envy. I didn’t ‘like’ that girl- I was just jealous that she was so pretty and funny. That jealousy often turned into anger, which I spewed at other people, causing tension and often ending friendships. At the time, I didn’t see it this way. I thought I was doing the ‘right’ thing. I didn’t realize where that unnecessary anger was coming from until many years later.
When I began attending a public university, I felt a taste of the real world for the first time in my life. These people were so diverse and for me, it was eye-opening. I saw boys with blue hair and girls with shaved heads and tattoos. I met people who knew nothing about the religion that has ruled my world views for the first 18 years of my life. I made friends who owned guns and wore camouflage to hunt deer.
“I never knew that people were allowed to be proud of their sexuality, unless they were straight”
I met a boy who was gay. He told me he was gay. He said those words to me- proudly and unafraid. I let out an almost silent gasp in response. I never knew that people were allowed to be proud of their sexuality, unless they were straight. But here he was- proof that there was pride in being free.
At first, I came out to myself. This is an extremely validating moment that all queer people go through. The self-realization, the moment of panic, the calmness of acceptance, and the decision to truly be free. I was 18 years old, in a brand-new world where I could be anyone I wanted to be and I decided that I wanted to be myself. No more internalized anger, no more fear, no more withheld emotions– I wanted to present my full self to the world. The path that I took getting to that point was not easy, and the road ahead was even more challenging, but it is those challenges that help us grow.
The world in front of you is yours to shape. Learn who you are, take pride in that, and share it with others. People will come and go from your life and you will inevitably feel pain, but the people that stay and the people you meet on the journey will change your view of the world. This is one of the true treasures of adulthood- being proud of who you are and feeling the love of your chosen family.
Coming out stories
Vanessa Papa
Edited by Aislinn O'Keeffe
LGBTQ+ YouTuber
