I was actually quite young when I knew I liked the same sex. Of course, I didn’t realize it or act on it because I was always told that I had to like the opposite sex. My first crush was my 1st grade teacher hahaha, I always wanted to be near her and I always made an excuse to talk to her.

When I moved to a different city at the age of 7, I lovedddddd, literally loved my best friend at the time. We were inseparable. We hung out almost every single day including weekends. I don’t know what it was, but I was so happy to be around her. My girl crushes grew as I got older, more so towards older women, like teachers or actresses on TV/in movies. Still, I was so young to even understand any of this.

“I forced myself to get in relationships with boys”

When I got into middle school and high school, I forced myself to get in relationships with boys. I had a physical attraction towards men, but never anything mentally or emotionally. There was always a disconnect and because of that I started to grow miserable and annoyed. When I was in high school, I started to explore with an older girl and it was so eye opening for me.

We both had such a strong attraction towards each other and everything we did with each other just felt so put together. We both wanted to keep everything we were doing a secret, so no one ever knew or even knows, still to this day… I guess except until now lol. I fell super hard for this girl, but was still in a relationship with this boy.

I knew nothing was going to happen between me and this girl, so I forced myself to just be “happy” with my boyfriend. My girl crush and I “experimented” with each other for about a year to a year and half. No one ever knew about us or even questioned us. Unfortunately, because she was two years older than me, she went away to college, and that was the last time I’ve ever heard from her. TALK ABOUT A GOD DAMN HEART BREAK. I was honestly so torn, she was my first love, literally.

It was actually that summer, when she went away, that I came out. I was talking to this new girl at the time. She was two years younger than I was. My best friend and I went to this huge party. There had to have been at least 200+ people at this kid’s house. We were hooking up behind a farm house hahaha and I truthfully really liked her. Like I wanted to be in a relationship with her and go public finally.

“I purposely crashed my first car just to feel something other than numbness”

I was so nervous to come out to my family. I didn’t know how to do it, but the longer I was waiting to come out, the more irritable I was becoming. You see, I’m Spanish (Puerto Rican) and Italian, and neither one of those cultures were very open minded. I was born catholic, went to church almost every Sunday, bible school once a week and volunteered at the church for hours. So for me, I was constantly thinking “How the f*ck does one come out with all of this sh*t in your life?” I was so nervous I was going to lose my family, I was going to lose friends, etc. I went into such a deep, dark depression. To the point, where I purposely crashed my first car just to feel something other than numbness.

After that really big party, my best friend and I got a ride back to my house. We were both very well intoxicated. I remember, I was making her ramen noodles, drunk, covered in glitter. My parents went out that night, too. They got home a little later than we did. They too, were very drunk. As soon as they walked into kitchen, I don’t know what got a hold of me, probably the nasty ass orange Smirnoff I drank, but I blurted out crying, “I’m gay and this is me!”

At first, my mom didn’t believe me. She was actually quite irritated I even said anything because I was drunk, underage and she thought it was just a “phase.” My dad on the other hand, said “I don’t care if you love a rock,” which made me feel a lot better. I remember crying myself to sleep that night, though. I was really sad that I lost my mom. Or so I thought I did.

The next morning, when everyone recovered from their hangover, we all talked. My dad accepted me immediately and just wanted me to be happy. My mom accepted me as well, not at  first, but as time progressed. I remember her telling me, “I will never lose my kid,” and hugging me after. I am so fortunate that I have such a supportive family. I am truly so blessed.

“many guys never believed I was gay because I don’t look gay”

In lesbian terminology, I’m known as a lipstick lesbian. I love dressing up, doing my make up and hair and all around looking good. But also because of this, many guys never believed I was “gay” because I “don’t look gay.” Still to this day, I get that comment but I’ve learned to just block that kind of energy out.

I love women for who they are; their hips, their body, the way their hair falls in front of their face, etc. Being gay is something I’m so proud of. I’m so grateful that I came out at the age that I did and I’m so grateful that I have the most supportive family in the world. Women are beautiful, so many men can agree with me, too 😉