Ally Byer’s Coming Out Story

Unlike many queer youth, I was lucky enough to have a pretty “easy” coming out story. Not that coming out is ever easy for anyone, but the reality is that homophobia from family is a fear for a lot of queer people, but it was never for me. My Aunts are gay. I grew up going to P Town, a historical haven for lesbians and gays in Massachusetts. I never had internalized homophobia, I was surrounded with love and acceptance. For this reason, I never was afraid to come out… which ironically, made things harder for me.

“I had no femme wlw representation”

I came out to myself in 7th grade. I realized that straight people don’t look outside car windows as it rains and ask themselves “what if I’m gay..?” This was one of the hardest parts of my journey, as I wasn’t a “tomboy”. I had no femme wlw representation and knowing that I could be both feminine and gay was hard.

I started to find a community of people online, who helped me grow in my identity. For a while I was bisexual – to me it was the most logical, as I had “dated” boys, and by date, I mean really awkward hand-holding and being broken up with on my birthday.

I never felt the need to come out to anyone else. I had realized internally that I liked girls, and when I had my first “official” girlfriend, I didn’t sit my parents down and say “I’m gay”. Instead, I told them I had a girlfriend, and I wanted them to drive me 3 hours north to see her. This didn’t go over well with my parents at all. Of course, they said no to me meeting a stranger online, and they were confused with my choice of the word “girlfriend”.

This was the moment I realized that not everyone was going to be as accepting as I was to myself. Even if they weren’t homophobic. Eventually, they came around, but they warned me about who I told because although people may seem accepting, most aren’t.

By freshman year of high school, I was tired of “hiding”. I came out to my friends as bisexual. The initial impact was fine, no one made a big deal, and I felt that my parents were wrong. My friends were accepting. We were the new generation. Later on that year, things started to change. My friends would go quiet when I talked. My jokes didn’t land. They stopped texting me. Eventually, it got so bad that in my classes, people would change seats as soon as I sat down to avoid me. The rest of the year I ate alone at lunch, and the next year, I dropped the classes that I shared with my old friends.

“Presenting feminine and being out as gay presented new challenges”

By senior year, I found a new group, one who was actually accepting, and I came out AGAIN, as a lesbian. Presenting feminine and being out as gay presented new challenges. Men would constantly tell me that I was “too pretty to be gay” which just affirms the lack of femme wlw in the media. Relating to people in my conservative high school was hard. I didn’t talk about my crushes, and I tried not to be “flamboyant” in fear of being judged.

Now, I come out less. I’ve cut my hair and dress the way I want. I let go of gender roles, and I love both my masculine and feminine sides. I have a job where I play princesses for children’s parties, and I date women. I share it openly on my Instagram to become the representation I needed so desperately when I was younger. When you don’t “look” or “seem” gay, your coming out story happens every single day. Even with the struggles, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I love who I am.

Coming out stories