Ivanka Dekoning’s Coming Out Story

I was a fresh New Yorker in my mid-twenties, with a pixie cut, an idiosyncratic sense of style, oh, and identified as straight.

Before I came out, I was in and out of relationships with men. It was difficult and confusing. I always felt something was missing and gave excuses such as, “There’s nothing wrong with me, I’m just dating the wrong guys.” Little did I know, I was in the wrong dating pool.

My entire life I felt an attraction towards women, but I didn’t think it was anything more. I was like, “Oh, she’s like, really pretty.” Yet, never went beyond that initial thought. Until my best friend texted me one night and said, “Let’s go to a lesbian bar!” At first, I was a bit apprehensive. New territory… lifestyle… breaking my comfort zone? But I said, “Yeah, sure.”

At the lesbian bar, I felt… comfortable. The surroundings fascinated me. For the first time, I kind of felt comfortable at a bar and was actually eager to talk to the women.

It wasn’t long until I began to frequent lesbian bars every week. I felt so comfortable talking to people there and it unleashed my attraction and encouragement to pursue them and explore. When I first kissed a female… I felt it. For the first time ever, it FINALLY felt right.

“I knew I was in the right place”

I guess you can say I lived my best gay life soon after that. It was exciting because it felt like dating all over again. I struggled dating men for years, always felt nervous and uncomfortable to go on a date. Now going on dates with women – I couldn’t be more elated. I got good butterflies. I think it was an easier transition for me because I knew I was in the right place based on my past experiences.

Coming out to my parents was uplifting and discouraging. I came out to my siblings first; our generation is more understanding and accepting.

As for my father, he guessed it! I didn’t bring home a guy in over five years. One day we went for a run in the hot South Carolina sun and he asked me if I still liked men? (I think he meant jokingly, but also was slightly curious.) I busted into tears, screaming, “I don’t know!” We then stopped running and he gave me the biggest hug. My dad is a doctor and by far, the most non-judgemental person I have ever known. He said, “It’s OK, science has proven that we cannot fight attraction. There have been countless tests to prove there is nothing wrong with you.”

His response made coming out much easier. All I needed was the simple recognition of understanding, and I got it.

My mom is very warm and loving but grew up very old-school in a Ukrainian household. Raised to only date Ukrainian men and forbidden to speak English at home. So, it was difficult to figure out when it was right to come out to her.

I was at home visiting her and I still couldn’t say it. When I arrived back in NYC I decided I couldn’t wait any longer. I called her and told her I’ve been dating women. Even though she was surprised, she handled it very well. It felt so good coming out to her. We ended our conversation with her saying, “Whatever will be will be.” Her acceptance has grown stronger over the years, and I’m so proud of her. 

Since coming out, I’ve met my current life partner, and wife, Victoria. We met a gay and lesbian bar in NYC called the Cubbyhole. We dated for a year and a half until she proposed and nearly three years later we got married at City Hall! I can’t imagine life without her. 

If there was one thing you can take away from my coming out story, is to let go of your guard and live. Live for experiences, learnings, and fascinating people that cross your path. You’ll amaze yourself. 

Coming out stories