Sara Elise’s Coming Out Story

I began my “coming out” process when I arrived to University, self-proclaiming that “I think girls are hot” after making out with one at a high school party. I began searching for women I felt attracted to and landed on much of the women’s basketball team (lol), mostly because it seemed that only on the women’s basketball team were there women who were openly queer.

“hiding has always felt to me like I was betraying myself”

I’ve always felt compelled to be open with my interests and identity and felt more shame in hiding, because hiding has always felt to me like I was betraying myself. But even though I felt compelled to be open by simply existing as loudly as I felt, I didn’t always have the self-confidence to openly name my desires when questioned about them. My confidence in naming my identity and self-expression came with time and once I realized that each person is positioned to provide the world with our gifts only by being uniquely ourselves. 

I don’t have a set “coming out story.” As a cis, femme-presenting woman, much of my sexuality is assumed, and thus erased, because of my appearance. There’s definitely so much privilege in this, because on the one hand, I’m not outed or forced to be visible when I feel like it’s unsafe to do so. But on the other hand, this makes for many “coming outs” all of the time. And the questions that I am frequently asked and the assumptions that people make about me can be exhausting to counter so frequently. 

I did have a conversation with my parents once I started bringing home my then girlfriend to family gatherings. In this conversation my father explicitly said that he would never “come to any event where my girlfriend and I were presenting as a couple.” Needless to say, my relationship with my family has definitely been strained because of my “lifestyle choices,” as my father puts it.

“I don’t think that it makes sense to allow for homophobia from folks that are related to me in the same way that I wouldn’t allow for homophobia from anyone else in my life”

My family is a group of conservative, Baptist Christians and up until last year- I felt I could overlook their blatant homophobia and non-acceptance and still love them for who they are. But after my father (who I was closest to) didn’t come to my love ceremony + commitment celebration with my current partner because he couldn’t “attend an event to support something that he didn’t believe in,” I had to question much of their positioning in my life. I don’t think that it makes sense to allow for homophobia from folks that are related to me in the same way that I wouldn’t allow for homophobia from anyone else in my life.

Blood doesn’t make family and now I have learned that chosen family often provides for the support and love that I desire more than what my blood family has ever provided. Recognizing and accepting that their positioning isn’t ever going to change— that it’s not something that I need to “work on” or “push for”— has changed my life, how and with who I seek validation, and the type of energy I prioritize keeping in my space.

I am very fortunate now to run my own businesses so that there is never a situation where me providing for myself is based on someone else’s perception of me, my “lifestyle choices,” who I choose to love, or what communities I identify with.

This privilege just serves to remind me of all of the other queer and non-binary folks out there who have a different experience of their queerness and visibility in the world and encourages me to continue to create safe spaces for LGBTQIA+ and non-binary folks to experience their pleasure and well-being.

Coming out stories