Alysse Dalessandro Santiago’s Coming Out Story

I am a queer femme. I don’t fit the stereotypical “queer look.” As a result, I feel like I come out all of the time in a lot of ways. Passing as straight can come as a privilege, especially when traveling, but the erasure of constantly having to tell folks that I am queer can be exhausting.

The first time that I knew I identified as something other than straight was during a Queer Theory class in college. The professor explained that gender and sexuality are fluid and I realized then that I didn’t have to be 100% gay or 100% straight. I knew that my sexuality was on the queer spectrum, but I mostly kept that to myself for the next ten years.

I came out to my mom by accident at the age of 23. She was visiting me in Chicago and she asked who I was upset about. Call it a mother’s intuition, but she knew I was feeling something for someone that I wasn’t sure felt the same.

“This was one of the first times I felt truly seen as a queer person”

Without thinking, I told my mom, “Her name is…” and continued to explain why I was upset. To my mom’s credit, she didn’t skip a beat and went straight into protection mode telling me that “no one hurts my baby.” This was one of the first times I felt truly seen as a queer person. From that point, we were able to discuss my sexuality and being attracted to people of all genders.

I didn’t come out publicly until six years later. After the rejection of my crush in Chicago, I told myself that I wasn’t “queer enough” to date a woman. Fear dictated my dating life. I convinced myself that no woman would want to be my first girlfriend in my 20s. Who would want to date someone so clearly behind? Dating cisgender men was easy because I didn’t feel like there was much risk. There also wasn’t much real attraction.

After ending a serious relationship with a cisgender man at 27, I told myself that if I never really put myself out there and tried to date as the queer person I knew I was, I would regret it. It wasn’t easy at first. My heart broke harder and faster than I had ever experienced. But the rewards were greater, too. I also felt fireworks for the first time when I shared a first kiss with the woman who would become my first girlfriend.

“there is no checklist you have to accomplish before you can claim queerness”

At the age of 29, I finally came out publicly on my social media to my audience of over 100K+ followers. I had finally made peace with myself as being queer enough. I realized there is no checklist you have to accomplish before you can claim queerness. I didn’t have to prove my identity to anyone but myself. When I was finally able to let go of my own self-judgement, I was truly free.

Less than a month after coming out publicly, I met my husband. He is a strong advocate for the transgender community and I’ve learned a lot from him about navigating a public LGBTQ+ identity. I still come out all the time. But now, I do so with pride.

Coming out stories