When did you know you were gay?

That question is so familiar yet broad. When does one know they are attracted to anyone let alone the same sex when they are merely a child?

I recall having a “boyfriend” as young as kindergarten. Society romanticizing the misinterpretations of connections between children was not yet recognized as toxic and just plain weird. Back then all I knew it meant was I found one person I could chase around all day and be mean to. The innocence of it all brings a warm smile to my face.

Unfortunately, my first encounter with homosexual “feelings” was not so warm; they brought about guilt and misunderstanding within me.

In third grade I dreamt I kissed my best friend Stephanie: That dream forever had a significant role in my evolution–I can still see it today at 27 years of age. The sheer confusion, no one to explain or comfort me. I am, however, amazed that at 9 years old I recognized what I dreamt was “bad” yet I didn’t understand what it meant about me. Two years later this feeling would reemerge, but this time it was no dream.

“This liberation was bittersweet”

At 12 years old I stood mesmerized at the public display of affection by the Russian band T.A.T.U performing on MTV. Watching it was almost liberating. Here were two women normalizing what I had been conditioned to feel ashamed of. This liberation was bittersweet because it was at that moment, I knew 9-year-old Jaiiy was not wrong or disgusting for feeling the way she felt. From then on, I gave little to no thought on manipulating my emotions.

I took full advantage of what was recognized as “tomboy” as it was a veil to hiding in plain sight.

At 16 I was abruptly reminded that I had to answer to this ambiguity; whilst preparing for a basketball game my mother suspiciously questioned where I was going.

I told her, “my basketball game.”

She was in one of her unruly moods, I had been playing basketball for 3 years but somehow, she was unconvinced that that’s where I was going.

She refused my request to attend the game, my disappointment must have frustrated her because she aggressively took my phone and confined me to my room.

It was 30 minutes into exile that she busted through the door wide-eyed and defeated.

She asked me who was the girl I was texting and conjured up the painful question.

“Are you gay!?”

I said nothing. My silence said more than my words could.

I was ousted out of the house into the cold October night barefooted, the only thing keeping me warm was the shame I felt 7 years prior.

The LGBTQ+ community has a national coming out day and as honorable as that day is, it’s not always the way we confront our sexuality.

To be honest with you all, I never “came out,” I was found out and much like being kicked out–

I decided to stay out.

Coming out stories