Jackie Rae’s Coming Out Story

On September 9th 2018, I announced that I am a transgender woman, taking the name “Jackie” and using she/her/hers pronouns. This was the hardest thing I have ever done. That proclamation might not be the cure to my problems or the most challenging thing that I will ever do, but it resolved a life-long conflict within myself.

My earliest memories are clouded pink with high heeled shoes, Barbie dolls, My Little Ponies, and my mother’s bras. I remember her clasping the bra around my six-year-old chest, saying, “We won’t tell Dad.” Before I knew that these manifestations of my identity were unusual, I felt free to play with what felt right. I held femininity close, like a toy that I wasn’t supposed to have.

It wasn’t my parents who took this toy away from me, however. It was the boys at school who couldn’t understand that my best friend was, in fact, a girl named Megan. It was the other parents whose confused glances and whispered gossip told me that my jelly shoes were unacceptable. I don’t think I knew then that these reactions were repressing my female identity, but looking back, the more socially conscious I became, the more “Jackie” seemed further and further away.

“I had put away the female side of myself”

As a teenager, I started to become attracted to men. This was a bigger conflict at the time because just as I had put away the female side of myself, my sexuality became clear. I eventually came to terms with the idea that maybe all of my early childhood behaviour could be explained away by being a gay man. I ended up meeting my first boyfriend in a summer music program, and I finally felt like I fit into a box. It wasn’t the easiest to fit into, but it certainly wasn’t the hardest, as I later learned.

That relationship taught me many things, but it also brought up a lot more questions. The more comfortable I became as a gay man, the more I pushed the boundaries. I would get colourful manicures, buy makeup at Sephora, and shave my body, all of which made me feel more and more like myself.

My boyfriend flat out asked me one time, “Are you transgender?” This question sent a jolt of anxiety down my spine and picked at a locked box where I held my most repressed emotions. I replied, “Definitely not,” and I even think I believed myself at the time. But it didn’t change how even the idea that I might be transgender made me so uncomfortable.

“I wanted the long hair, pretty dresses, and feminine figure”

Fast forward to the spring of my first year of college, I started to really struggle with my gender identity. I had moved to Boston that fall and was on my own for the first time in my life. I started to be bothered by images of famous, beautiful women like Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato. Sure, I’d had their posters in my bedroom since high school, but I started to feel envious, not of their success, but of their womanhood. I wanted the long hair, pretty dresses, and feminine figure.

I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t stop fanaticizing about how I would look as a woman. It tore me apart and caused me the most crippling anxiety and fear because I wanted what I didn’t have. I wanted what I wasn’t born with, but what I expressed as early as I could remember. I finally told my close family and friends how I felt and was met with nothing but love and support. I slowly started presenting more female, and by the fall of my sophomore year in college, I was out full time.

“Families, friendships, and careers can be ruined simply because someone like me wants to be themselves”

I am one of the lucky ones. More often than not, trans people face unimaginable obstacles once they come out. Families, friendships, and careers can be ruined simply because someone like me wants to be themselves. It takes a lot of courage to come out and begin transitioning, and I am so proud of the woman that I have become. Although it has been challenging, it has also been a great reward.

I am able to use the privilege that I possess from the support of my family and friends to be visible and share my story with others. I write music empowering trans and queer-identifying people so that we have a voice and medium through which to share our experiences. My trans experience has been the biggest challenge of my life, but I am stronger and better equipped for the future because of it.

Coming out stories