Rose Montoya’s Coming Out Story

I didn’t grow up knowing about the LGBTQ+ community. For the longest time I thought the terms queer and gay were words used to belittle effeminate males. I didn’t know the word transgender until I was a teenager. It took me a long time to figure myself out and feel comfortable with how I identify.

I first came out as gay in 2010. I told my friends but I was anxious to tell my religious family. But I didn’t have the chance to come out to my family, I was outed to my parents. One day my mom told me that my dad found my journal and read an entry about a guy I liked. She asked me a lot of questions trying to figure out how I was gay. I became upset because her questions tried to place blame on others and suggested that something bad happened to me that caused me to be attracted to men.

“I wanted to punish myself for being an abomination”

I insisted that I am who I am and I can’t change it. I explained that I had dated a boy for 6 months but broke up with him because of my Christian guilt. She tried to tell me that god made me straight and I can’t be with men. I was grounded for lying to them for months later. I started struggling with self hate and self harm shortly after. I wanted to punish myself for being an abomination so God wouldn’t have to send me to hell.

With the help of my cousin and friends I gained self confidence. I also went online and found people who felt like I did. After I graduated high school my parents said they would go to my wedding even if I married a man and they understand if I can’t change. I now understand they wanted what’s best for me and for me to go to heaven. We sort of agreed to disagree.

In college, I took women and gender study courses and learned about the history of the LGBTQ+ community. I performed in drag which lead me to start experimenting with my presentation. I started wearing makeup and heels and more feminine accessories. I felt a lot of shame as I began to question my identity again.

I  came out as transgender in spring of 2015, after having struggled with the same self hatred again the year previous. I had been seeing a therapist for some months also. I started hormones in June 2015 and told a few friends. After I had accepted myself and begun to live my life as a woman I wrote a letter to my family that August explaining my life and how I came to the conclusions I did. I also find verses in the Bible that supported love above all else and explained how there’s no way I could go to hell for being myself but that I also didn’t believe in religion anymore.

“I’d never be beautiful, no one would love me, I’d never be successful”

It took a full day for my mom to call me. She was worried for me. I focused on how this is what I needed to be happy, but she couldn’t see a future for me. I was told I’d never be beautiful, no one would love me, I’d never be successful. She was sad but I gave my family an ultimatum: accept me for who I am, or risk having no part in my future. My dad didn’t really speak to me for a few months. It was awkward for months. When they saw me for Christmas break they began to understand that I’m the same, just look different.

It took my family a while to come around but now they’re very supportive. After coming out, makeup became my obsession. It helped me pass better and allowed me to exist in public spaces more safely. I now work in makeup and get to help others feel beautiful inside and out. I’ve gained so much confidence over the years. Now I try to focus on loving myself unconditionally and spreading love to others. It’s not always easy, but know that there’s so many people out there waiting to love you and accept you.

Coming out stories