Thorn Vineyard’s Coming Out Story

I came out as trans non-binary when I was 22. I’ve always knew something just wasn’t right, but I could never really put my finger on what exactly that was. I come from a small village in The Netherlands. It was quite a conservative place to grow up, and I did not really know any queer people. It’s the kind of place where being different can cause you quite a lot of strange looks. So I tried really hard not to be different. She, her, woman. It didn’t feel right, but I also didn’t dare to think any different about myself.

I was 17 when I left my little village for the big city. I moved to Amsterdam and started getting more involved in the queer community. But I still hadn’t figured out how I felt about my own gender identity. 5 years later, on just another day, I was walking around in the city. My dance rehearsal got delayed and I had some unexpected spare time. I saw a Vintage per kilo store, and went in.

On the second floor, there was a free HIV testing space. I don’t know why, but I just had a feeling I had to go in there. I was like ‘well I have some spare time, I might as well get tested’, which did not really make any sense because I always had protected intercourse (with women) and did not have any direct reason to think I might get tested positive.

But I went in there, and I immediately felt… seen. There was a trans woman who welcomed me in her clinic. She laughed when she heard I wanted to get tested, and what my sexual history had been. ‘It’s probably gonna come back negative, but what the hell, let’s just do the test. Might be a fun experience!’ She said.

“She asked for my gender. I choked.”

Before doing the test, she asked me a few questions to fill in the form. My name, age, place of birth, nationality, etc. And then she asked for my gender. I choked. I choked big time. I just didn’t know what to say. She laughed, skipped the question and said ‘Let’s talk about that later, love.’

‘Now let’s talk about why you are really here’, she said to me after my test came back negative. ‘Are you sure you’re not trans?’. It was the first time someone had ever looked me in the eyes and asked me this question. I felt the tears coming. She told me there is more than just ‘man’ and ‘woman’, and that I didn’t have to choose.

She shared her stories with me about ancient Greeks celebrating not being ‘one or the other’. She looked at me and said: ‘I see you. You are not a man, not a woman. You’re a god.’

From the moment I walked out of that door, I accepted myself as being non-binary. When I got to my delayed dance rehearsal, I immediately told my friend what just had happened. We hugged and they asked for my pronouns. They/them, I told them.  

Coming out stories