I first came out when I was 22 years old, and I had just started dating my first girlfriend (who is now my wife!). In a way, our new relationship made it easy to come out to my family and friends. Instead of telling everyone I was gay, I just told them I was in a new relationship and it was with someone named Steph.

I casually called my Mom up and told her I had started dating somebody, and it was a girl. I texted my Dad and told him I might bring somebody to the next family dinner, and her name was Steph. I didn’t have a heavy conversation with anyone. At the time, I wasn’t really thinking about the weight of it all, but looking back, I realize what a huge event it was in my life.

“How can any of us be truly happy, until we are living our lives as openly and honestly as possible?”

Coming out really changed me and shaped my entire future, and now I can see how important and necessary it really was. How can any of us be truly happy, until we are living our lives as openly and honestly as possible? I truly believe that uncovering these truths about ourselves and celebrating the things that make us different, is the most empowering thing we can do. 

My very close friends knew about my entire journey, and they were so happy when I met Steph. I had been struggling with the idea that I might be bisexual or gay because I knew something had really been missing from my past relationships with men. I knew that I liked women but I had never met one that I wanted to be in a relationship with, and I had wondered if it was even possible for me to fall in love with a girl.

I did a lot of reading about sexuality, and I tried to put a label on what I was feeling so I could better understand it all. I remember texting my best friend one night saying, “What if I’m gay!?” And her response was, “Then you’re gay.” Simple and matter of fact. It was the most amazing thing she could have said, and of course, she was right. 

“I have to wonder how much quicker I could have figured out my own sexuality if I had seen more lesbian representation in my early life”

I grew up knowing that it was okay to be gay, and I had a lot of gay male friends. Being a dancer and a model, I was often surrounded by gay men, but I didn’t know any gay women. I have to wonder how much quicker I could have figured out my own sexuality if I had seen more lesbian representation in my early life. Especially feminine lesbians that I maybe could have identified with and related to.

As a teenager and young adult, I had pretty much accepted that I would end up marrying a man and that there would always be a big hole in the relationship that I would be constantly longing to fill. I really thought that would be my life.

When I met Steph, things really clicked into place. All of a sudden everything shifted, and the beliefs I had about love and relationships all got turned upside down. I found a woman who I wanted to spend all my time with, who I was attracted to, who I felt deeply connected to, and who I could really love.

I was able to picture my life with her, and I knew right away that it would be complete. No holes, and nothing missing. I never hesitated to tell everyone about Steph, and at the time, I wasn’t really thinking of the heaviness of what it meant. I was just excited to share my new relationship.

“I had to then proceed to answer all sorts of questions about my new relationship”

Of course, without having really realized it, I was coming out. And I had to then proceed to answer all sorts of questions about my new relationship, and how it changed things. “Is this your first time dating a girl?”, “Did you always know you liked women?, “Does this mean you’re gay?”. I also heard some of the usual “This is just a phase”, “She’s just doing this for attention”, “She’s too feminine to be gay”, and “Her life will be harder now”.

In all honesty, all of it really hurt. When you finally discover this amazing part of yourself that has been hiding for your entire life, all you want to do is share it with the world and have everyone embrace it. You want the people who love you to love this part of you and to understand it and celebrate it.

Unfortunately, not everyone will. I am far more fortunate that many, but I still had people close to me in my life that didn’t support me. They treated Steph in ways that they would never have treated my boyfriend or husband. They didn’t accept us and embrace us, and they wouldn’t stand with us on our wedding day.

“I know that living my truth is the most important thing”

Coming out really changed me, and with it my life changed, and the relationships with the people in my life changed. I gained a new understanding of myself, and with it, a new confidence and sense of peace. I was growing into my true self, and most people accepted these changes in me, but some didn’t. I’ve let go of my anger towards those people, and I’ve sorted through my hurt feelings, because I know that living my truth is the most important thing.

I think I surprised a lot of people by coming out, because I didn’t fit the typical lesbian stereotype. I’m very feminine. I have long hair and I like wearing makeup. I love getting dressed up and wearing heels. I’m a professional dancer and model. I present as very, very, straight. All that being said, I still thought it was so funny that it was such a shock to everyone.

“That makes it even more important to me to be out and visible”

Why would my sense of style, or my career choice have any bearing on who I’m attracted to, or who I fall in love with? I didn’t think there were any rules to determine what kind of woman could be a lesbian. I quickly learned that both straight people and people in the LGBTQ+ community have ideas of what a gay woman should be, and I’m still having to fight those stereotypes eight years later. All of that makes it even more important to me to be out and visible, every opportunity I have.

Despite the initial surprise, many people in my life have supported me unconditionally. My Mom welcomed Steph as another daughter with absolutely no hesitation and has treated her like her own family since the first time they met. Even my Grandparents who I didn’t think would understand, embraced Steph immediately and were excited to have gained a Grand-daughter.

Today, my Grandma (the only remaining grandparent between the two of us), tells us every time we visit what a lovely couple we are, and how she can see how much we love each other. Steph’s family has been amazing as well. They welcomed me easily into their lives, and they’ve never treated me differently for being a woman. We have incredible family members and amazing friends who have always loved and celebrated us.

We feel so fortunate and are so grateful for how much support we have received throughout our relationship. It is truly overwhelming at times, and we never take for granted how good we have it.

There are so many people in the LGBTQ+ community who are too afraid to be their true selves, who are unable to because it would be unsafe, or who had painful experiences when they did come out. I am grateful every day for the privilege I have in living my life openly. 

“The things that make us unique are the things that make us beautiful”

If you’re someone who is struggling with your sexuality, or with the idea of coming out to your loved ones, please know that everyone’s journey is different, and everyone’s experience is valid. Take your time and learn to love yourself first. When you feel safe and ready, share yourself fully with the world and celebrate all that you are. There is so much power in embracing our differences, and I truly believe that the things that make us unique are the things that make us beautiful.