The term coming out always amuses me like it’s something you only do once. But that’s far from the case. In my experience, coming out was a long process and the hardest person I had to come out to was myself, and the reality is you spend your life coming out. For me, I always had a fascination with girls and I think subconsciously I’ve always been aware of my sexuality.

When I was 9 years old, I was completely obsessed with the duo Tatu (‘all the things you said’ is still a banger). I was mesmerized by their music video – you know the one where they are kissing in the rain.

In year 5, a teacher asked us to write a biography on our heroes, so I wrote mine on Tatu. I went into so much detail of their relationship and how in love they were. But at that age, I didn’t question my sexuality and no one around me did either. Back then (yes, I’m a dinosaur) being gay wasn’t ever talked about so it’s like it wasn’t an option

 

“I always felt different from my friends”

 

Fast forward to secondary school, I had boyfriends just like the rest of the girls in my year but I always felt different from my friends. When I was in year 9 I went to an all-girl sleepover where we played (sober) spin the bottle, which ended up into a night of just us all making out with each other.

I didn’t have crushes on my friends but I loved kissing them because they were female. I didn’t want that night to end. One of the girls filmed it and the videos went around the school the next week… but I really didn’t care. And even after that, I didn’t question my sexuality, nor did any of my friends.

As I got into year 10 and started going to parties where people were drinking, it seemed to be a thing that the girls would get ‘drunk’ and want to kiss other girls. I used to go around bragging about how many girls I’d kissed from my year, even saying I’d kissed more girls than boys.

The next year I transitioned from school to college and that’s when everything changed. When school finished a couple of the boys in my year including one of my close friends came out as gay. There were bisexual and gay people at college and LGBT was a term which was thrown around a little more.

 

“I would wake up next to my boyfriend and cry to myself”

 

I started having a reoccurring dream where I had to travel to America for a party, as it was the only place I could meet another lesbian (I realise now, I clearly was dreaming about Dinah Shore). I would wake up next to my boyfriend and cry to myself because I wanted to be back in my dreamland.

Along with some other things going on in my personal life, I got into a really dark place. I was depressed and felt stuck, I self-harmed and contemplated suicide. After some counselling at college I slowly started to feel more like myself, but unfortunately dealing with your sexuality can hurt the people around you. I was lying to my boyfriend at the time whilst trying to figure myself out, I lied to my friends and family just to hide my secret.

 

“the way that one simple kiss felt, I knew for sure I was gay”

 

When I got my first job, I met a girl that I started seeing briefly. I shared that first kiss with her and it’s like I had my awakening, I never really enjoyed kissing boys and I hated sex but the way that one simple kiss felt, I knew for sure I was gay.

When I turned 18, my gay best friend took me to the local gay club. Whilst at the club, I cried and came out to him because I felt so overwhelmed by all the gay people around me, it felt like being with family. After a few too many secret nights out to the gay club I told my boyfriend everything and he kindly kept it to himself and allowed me time to find myself again and come out in my own time.

A few months later I met a girl in that same club and we started dating. I still hadn’t told most of my family or friends. A little while later, my dad found out I’d been lying to him about where I was going off to all the time.

 

“I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders”

 

They thought I’d gotten into drugs as the lying and keeping secrets caused me to fall really ill, I slipped back into depression and I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, terrified of how my family would react and scared I’d disappoint them or they’d reject me. But when I finally told them my world changed. I’m so lucky to have such a supportive family and incredible friends that stand by me no matter what.

There were so many signs over the years that pointed to me being a lesbian, like my dad catching me out watching lesbian porn and being intrigued by the show Sugar Rush (that’s a throwback), secretly watching Lip Service under the covers at 3 am and having half-naked posters of Kat Von D on my bedroom walls.

 

“if I was given the choice to be straight or stay like this, I’d always choose this life”

 

It still took me years to accept that I’m gay, but now, if I was given the choice to be straight or stay like this, I’d always choose this life. I love my life, I’m proud to be a lesbian with an incredible fiancée that I can’t wait to call my wife. As cliché as it sounds, it really does get better. 

So, if you’re struggling or you’re not sure how you feel, give it time. You don’t need to have it all figured out right away. It took me years, sometimes it was hard but it’s made me the person I am today. 

Nic Bean

Edited by Ash O'Keeffe

LGBTQ+ Blogger

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