11 years ago, I fell in love. Hard. She was tall, and so talented, and moody, and funny, and all I wanted was to be near her. When I fell in love with her, I finally, FINALLY understood what all the teenage commotion was about.

I understood why my older brother got intense & sweet over girls growing up. I understood why my best friend would ache for just one tiny kiss, or even a lingering hug, from the boy she was crushing on. THIS. Ohhhhh God, this. Now understand it. It was all so exciting, and sweet, and intensely beautiful, like living the gay movie romance I never got to see (because it didn’t exist).

“I wasn’t allowed to stay in those feelings”

 

But I wasn’t allowed to stay in those feelings. An oppressive cloud descended, and I realised that the purity of this first love, this sweetness, would ostracize me from my family & community forever. I came out to myself 11 years ago, and then to my parents 8 years ago. The 3 years nestled in between, reconciling what I knew to be true about myself with the terror of sharing it with others, was a period of intense turmoil for me.

I was raised in a fundamentalist Evangelical Christian community, and being gay was not an option. So, I resisted it, telling myself that how I felt was just a fluke, or an intense friendship. There was no way I was gay. I didn’t even know any gay women!

I became severely depressed. My grades plummeted from skipping class because I couldn’t get out of bed. The music faculty at my college stopped casting me, or even taking much interest in my talent at all anymore. I was crying constantly in my voice lessons. I lost over 15 lbs because I was too nauseous to eat. Friends fell away because I was hiding from them.

 

“I felt closer to the truth through this love than ever before in my life”

 

But any time I was quiet & alone in meditation, and any time I asked for guidance from the Universe about what to do with this love I felt for a woman, I felt steady, overflowing, love & peace. I felt acceptance. I felt closer to the truth through this love than ever before in my life. I felt joy, and hope, and a whole new level of trust in myself.

I finally worked up the courage to come out to my parents in a letter. When I handed them that letter, I knew nothing would ever be the same. But through the hours of gaslighting, tears, and fearful attack from my parents, I knew I was free. I was free to be completely, unapologetically me.

 

“I chose myself that night, and continue to every day because nothing about me is wrong”

 

Speaking our truth can only lead to our own empowerment. I chose myself that night, and continue to every day because nothing about me is wrong. I know I am whole, beautiful, and holy.

As a femme lesbian woman, I have to come out every single day. I pass, meaning I don’t look obviously queer by society’s standards; and this also means I am usually invisible while in public unless I am holding my partner’s hand. Having to come out constantly can feel extremely frustrating, but on my best days, it feels like a celebration. It feels like activism, like standing up for the human rights of my LGBTQ+ siblings.

Every time I have to speak my truth, I validate myself. Every time I use female pronouns in the songs I write & sing, I validate who I am. Every time I make myself visible to include the fullness of who I am, I am validated.

 

“I celebrate the woman I am – out, proud, and free”

 

So here I am now. I love myself so thoroughly, and that love pours through my music & community activism. My precious chosen Family loves me fiercely and unconditionally. I am safe, and I am loved. I celebrate the woman I am – out, proud, and free.

Jessie Standafer

Edited by Ash O'Keeffe

Check out Jessie’s music here: Spotify

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