Kerrie Hughes’ Coming Out Story

I was 14 years old and I was sat in the dark in my bedroom putting eyeshadow on my chin and wearing a cap covering all my long hair, in an oversized sweatshirt covering my chest. I would go to chat rooms and talk to new friends and take photographs of myself to make myself appear male. I then would hear my parents coming up the stairs and panic and rip the cap off, and let my hair down and pretend I was doing my homework.

Looking back to this I see a very confused person trying to get other people to see them how they really wanted to see themselves, even if it was just for a couple of hours late at night.

This carried on for a couple of years, and I also found an outlet on Tumblr where there were other people like me, and people who had transitioned from female to male and had body hair and deep voices and things really started to make sense.

“I would wish that I was born like my brother, instead of me”

I started getting jealous and thinking why can’t that me be. I started to self-harm my breasts and get angry at the fact I was born in this body. I would wish that I was born like my brother, instead of me.

I then started harmfully binding my new and very large breasts with bandages, pulling them tight so I was short of breath but my chest was SO flat. I would post pictures in my bandaged chest.

I got a message from a beautiful couple telling me how unsafe this was, and that they will send me my first binder (a vest which flattens chests in the safest way possible). This was completely life-changing and I will never forget the first time I saw myself in a white t-shirt in the mirror with my new binder on looking flatter than I’ve ever looked before.

I tried to keep my binder hidden so my family wouldn’t find it, I would wash it in the shower instead of putting it with my other washing. I never wanted it to be taken away from me as it was the only thing in the world at that point that made me feel masculine. It inspired me to completely cut my hair short and start wearing all masculine clothes and underwear.

“I was still a confused 16-year-old hiding in their bedroom at night on blogs trying to find themselves in the dark”

I then came out to my mum as a lesbian, as this was the only thing at that time that I know my mum would understand. It also meant I could wear ‘boy’ clothes and appear more male.

Looking back, I should have been more honest, but I was still a confused 16-year-old hiding in their bedroom at night on blogs trying to find themselves in the dark. I was still extremely lucky for my parents to accept me as a lesbian, and they told the rest of the family in pride. This was huge!

I was 18 when I found my binder in the outside bin. I grabbed it out and washed it and took it back upstairs and back into my drawer. A couple of weeks later, I found it in the bin again. I kept getting it out of the bin and putting it back on and two years then went by where I never found it in the bin again.

The years of wearing this binder caused me panic attacks due to lack of air in my lungs, it also caused me a bad back and it also sags your breasts as it’s taking all the elasticity out of them, so I had to start doing some research and make a decision!

As you see, the main source of discomfort and emotional/physical pain is centred around my breasts. I started to grow up and my face wasn’t so round, a jawline started to come into play also. I started exercising and my arms would looked toned. I realised I didn’t HAVE to be ‘male’ to embrace and enjoy my masculinity.

“I love the feminine parts of me, and also the masculine”

I was often in the street or in public toilets called ‘sir’ or ‘he’ (which caused a lot of trouble, but this is another story in itself), and I loved it. I was also called ‘she’ and ‘her’, and I didn’t mind it. I realised I love the feminine parts of me, and also the masculine.

I was 20 when I took my mum to the pub and told her I wanted a double incision mastectomy with nipple grafts, which means I want my breasts removed and left with a more masculine shaped chest.

I was over the moon when she gave me a massive hug and told me she will support me, and she understands as when she was younger she hated her extremely large breasts and had a breast reduction, so she could understand a little more why I wanted mine to be gone.

I felt so lucky after reading the horror stories online about people that are thrown out and disowned when they tell their parents about their transition. I feel very lucky.

At 24 years old, I had my top surgery after four years of fighting with gender identity clinics, as back then a lot of gender clinics didn’t accept people for surgery if they were not on testosterone. But I finally got there, and on October 17^th 2018 the part of me that was causing me so much pain and sadness, were gone! FINALLY!

“This is how in my head, I had always pictured myself”

This was the best day of my life, and when I saw my flat chest for the first time I didn’t even get as emotional as I thought I would, because this is how in my head, I had always pictured myself. So, it felt right and normal!

I told my mum I was non-binary a few weeks later, and that I don’t feel like I fit in a certain box of either ‘male’ or ‘female’. I’m Kerrie, and I have never felt so in touch with myself. She’s researching, and still doesn’t quite understand but she asks questions and WANTS to understand.

So, my 3 coming out stories have luckily been very successful. With a few bumps through the ride, I couldn’t ask for a more supportive mum and girlfriend who loves me unconditionally for who I am. I realise my privilege and I want to help others with raising money for their transitional surgeries.