My coming out story isn’t exactly… ordinary. But then again, who’s is? It took me a LONG time to come out to MYSELF (the most important person to come out to!). I started to think about being with girls when I was 14 but always just pretended it wasn’t actually a ‘thing’.
As the years progressed, I found myself in a typical cheesy high school sweetheart type of relationship with a man who was my best friend. I came out to him so many times. Once as bisexual, once as asexual and once as gay. I truly thought I was broken. He would catch me on Tumblr looking at photos of girls. We ended up breaking up for different reasons and I kept suppressing the thoughts I had of girls – I just thought they were friendship feelings! I never had a lot of ‘girl’ friends so I thought that was just how it was.
I had a LOT of boyfriends over the years and thought I just hadn’t found the right one, that it wasn’t me, it was the GUY I was choosing. Each and every guy I was with told me I was bisexual or even gay. Ironically enough, they still stayed with me even thinking I was gay.
“It felt as if fireworks set off as we kissed”
When I was 18, I found a girl that I wanted to go out on a date with and so I sneakily went and we had a kiss at the end of the night. I didn’t even like this girl more than one date but it felt as if fireworks set off as we kissed and all I could think to myself was, “If I feel this way with someone I don’t even know, imagine what it would be like with someone I liked or even loved”.
However, even with that, I suppressed everything. I poured my guts to my mom who always thought it was weird how I was with my boyfriends and she was so happy I had such a good night – but I couldn’t accept it. So, I didn’t… and continued dating men.
“I had to stand in the mirror and look at myself and admit out loud that I was gay”
The big turning point for me came when I was about to get MARRIED to a man at 21 and while we were engaged and living together, I had to stand in the mirror and look at myself and admit out loud that I was gay. For the FIRST time. I cried for what seemed like days. My mom is my best friend and luckily, had been there for me throughout each and every feeling I’d had. We called everything off and I mentally felt both broken and whole.
I was opening myself to a new world. I went on Tinder and started to get out of my little box. I met the most beautiful girl and we went on a date right after I broke my back in a car accident. I hopped over to her in a huge brace and crutches and when I held her hand in the movies, I felt like I was going to throw up from joy and I ended up being with her for two years. I came out at 22 and honestly? People were surprised because of my ‘serial dating’ but all my ex-boyfriends knew and I am friends with most of them to this day.
I lived both lives. People often talk about how being gay and coming out is a huge relief but to me, it was an adjustment. I was older. I knew the other way. I was used to so much attention and learned that the dating pool was SO small and FAR away in the LGBTQ+ space.
“I have found love, I have felt heartbreak and I have felt rejection”
Since coming out as a lesbian, I have found love, I have felt heartbreak and I have felt rejection, but in doing so, I was being me for the first time and I wouldn’t change anything about that. I am now 26 years old and living for myself, authentically. It is never too late to be unapologetically you.
Rachel Scherm
Edited by Ash O'Keeffe
LGBTQ+ Activist