Michael Lorz’s Coming Out Story

I had been dating a girl for over 3 years and was in the second year of theater school at NYU when I realized I was some type of queer.  Theater school, you guys.  On top of that, I had just moved in with said girlfriend into a studio apartment.  So obviously my coming out went super smoothly and no one’s feelings were hurt 8 months later when my life exploded…

I’ll back up a little bit though and go back to my childhood.  This is where my story really began, starting around 4th grade when other kids starting making fun of me for all the “usual stuff.”  It’s like they could smell it on me – they knew I was queer before I even had a clue.  Words like “faggot” were slung at me over and over, before I quite understood what everyone was seeing in me.  I remember sitting down in 7th grade gym class and having the back of my head humped as a means of humiliating me, completely unprovoked. 

“They then looked at me like I was diseased and should be quarantined”

I remember being laughed at by seven or eight douche bag middle schoolers immediately after.  I remember being on a swing set during the summer and having a boy point at me from about 10 feet away.  He loudly told his friend, “This kid’s gay.  Like he’s actually gay!” -as though I couldn’t hear them.  They then looked at me like I was diseased and should be quarantined, backing away without saying another word.  I remember so many of incidents like these, all the way through high school, and feeling like I must be radioactive. 

My response was usually the same, too. My exterior remained completely unphased, not because I was unaffected, but because I was paralyzed by their words. But on the inside I was on fire, burning with shame and sadness.  To me, it was evident that who I was repulsed those around me.  My existence was a dirty joke.  This happened for years.

It’s no wonder that I never even considered being queer an option for myself. It garnered so much negative attention, that I batted away any possibility of it being my reality.  At the time, I would even say to people, “If I were gay, I’d tell you.  There’s nothing wrong with it!  But I’m not, so leave me alone!”

Fast forward to sophomore year at NYU.  First semester, I was placed in the same acting classes as a good friend of mine, who was a gay male.  We became very close friends in the first few months of school, and he began to hit on me pretty incessantly.  At home, my relationship with my girlfriend was slowly deteriorating because she was not happy in New York City, having moved away from her family back in the midwest, and being alone in an environment that didn’t vibe with her. 

“I was what they said I was”

My time with my friend at school became a welcome, happy reprieve as we spent more and more time together.  Then it hit me.  I realized I really liked all of his attention and was utterly infatuated with him.  I remember thinking, “Ahhhhh f^%#.  They were right all along.”  I was what they said I was. 

Around Thanksgiving of that year, I slowly and reluctantly came out to my close friends, revealing that I had a crush on this male friend; no one was surprised, no one was appalled, and most notably, my childhood best friend was simply relieved that my “big secret” wasn’t that I had gotten my girlfriend pregnant. 

“it sparked in him the same courage to come out and accept his own identity”

On the plus side, actually, when I came out to another one of my friends, he nearly burst at the seams, and spilled that he also identified as gay.  To this day he still credits me for saving his life in that moment. By having the courage to admit to him who I was, and how I was feeling, it sparked in him the same courage to come out and accept his own identity.

By the end of the school year, my relationship at home had become pretty miserable.  Despite what you may be thinking, this wasn’t a case of, “well duh, you’re GAY Michael!”  That wasn’t the problem, though.  To this day, I don’t identify as gay, and prefer to identify my sexuality as queer.  The primary problem with my girlfriend and I was that we weren’t on the same page about nearly anything, anymore, leading to an enormous fight that ended it all. 

Long and painful story short: the very next day after the gargantuan fight, my body rebelled and forced me to spend my first night with a boy.  I went and had one of the most magical days I’ve ever had with that same boy from school.  Eventually, this information made its way to my girlfriend, and she officially ended our relationship.  

In a very hurt place, she actually ended up coming out to my parents for me, explaining, “Mike and I are officially over, he cheated on me with a boy,” in a cute little text message to my mom.  This may seem like a complete intrusion on my privacy (and it absolutely was intended to be), but honestly…?  I’m lucky enough to have parents who are 200% supportive of me, and her telling them actually relieved me of the pressure to do it myself. 

“I can’t even imagine what so many queer people go through, when they lose their families and support systems, simply for being honest”

In no capacity was she in the right for outting me – let’s not get crazy BUT… I’m lucky that it ended up being totally fine.  It makes a huge difference to be in an open-minded, liberal-leaning family.  My parents embraced me for who I was, and I can’t even imagine what so many queer people go through, when they lose their families and support systems, simply for being honest.  It was a total relief, and actually brought me much closer with them. 

Ultimately, I now realize how successful I was at lying to myself for years.  I thoroughly convinced myself that I was something I was not, as a survival tactic.  A completely unnecessary survival tactic.  The odd (and lucky)  thing is, despite my life blowing up for a couple months, it was relatively easy for me to come out.  I had a giant support system of friends and family, and the positives of the experience far outweighed the negatives.  I know what a fortunate situation I was in. I’ve witnessed other far less fortunate coming out stories. 

“There are too many parts of this country and planet where it’s downright dangerous to be openly queer”

We should by no means be deluded into thinking that being a queer person and announcing that to this world is a walk-in-the-park.  There are too many parts of this country and planet where it’s downright dangerous to be openly queer.  I will end this, though, with stressing how important it is for queer visibility that we do come out of the shadows where and when it is possible. 

I know that my coming out process helped people around me.  I know that my queer visibility and pride has helped people around me.  The very act of coming out is a political move that destroys this shroud of shame that many queer people have thrust upon them by their surroundings.  Take a stand, fight back with bravery, love, and acceptance.