I realized I didn’t belong in my own body at a very young age, right around the time my physique stopped appearing androgynous like most children’s bodies do, around 8 or 9. I remember telling my parents that I was a boy, and wasn’t supposed to be a girl.
My mother told me I wasn’t supposed to say things like that, and to not bring it up again. Although, bless her heart, she made me a men’s suit after plenty of begging. Growing up I never knew what it was to be transgender. I heard of maybe 1 or 2 instances through television, but it was always surrounded by negativity.
“It never got easier being in my own skin”
Being transgender was a crime against nature, it was perverted, it was wrong. It never got easier being in my own skin, it never felt like it was mine, and I wanted to disappear. Puberty was the worst, especially growing breasts. I tried for years and years and years to flatten them in any way I could, with no explanation, I just knew they made me uncomfortable beyond belief.
Another element was my voice, it was so high and gentle, I remember always trying to speak lower in class. But the idea of being transgender didn’t really click with me until early college. My roommate and I were talking and I told him of my early life thinking I was a boy, I thought it was funny and didn’t think it meant anything, I was just making conversation. He then told me he was transgender, and he related to that story, he wondered if at heart I still felt that way. It made me think.
I questioned my gender identity for a long time after, it made sense that it could be the source of a lot of pain in my life, plus I was finally being exposed to the idea of being trans or non binary and that there was absolutely nothing wrong with it.
A while later I came out to my friends and family as transgender. My parents weren’t thrilled, but supported me, and over time proved to be the most accepting and loving allies I could ever hope to have. They encouraged me to find a therapist and to understand the gravity of what I was about to undergo.
“I am finally getting to love myself”
I began my transition a while after that, and several years later I feel more myself than ever. My body feels like it’s actually mine, and I am finally getting to love myself and be happy. I’ve been on testosterone for around three years and have had top surgery done for about two. It was by far the best decision I’ve ever made for myself, I have absolutely no regrets no matter how hard it was.
It was still a long road to embracing myself, but nothing felt more wonderful than looking in the mirror as I began to see the real me, my feelings were validated and I was finally getting to live my life.
“True happiness and self love comes from within”
Of course transitioning doesn’t solve everything, and true happiness and self love comes from within, but it has been so rewarding to work on. I even started a platform online to document my transition, and share advice with others like me so that maybe I could be the person I needed when I was a kid for someone else.
Maddox Campbell
Edited by Aislinn O'Keeffe
Drag Artist
