Life is a collection of moments. Moments that continue to shape you and redefine what your journey looks like. My coming out story is full of moments that began when I was in 5th grade and now at 23, I’m the most comfortable in my skin that I’ve ever been.
My most important coming out moment has been to myself. I remember sitting in my room as a 5th grader watching MTV and seeing a beautiful girl on the screen, as soon as I realised I was attracted to her, I tried to rationalise and tell myself “I don’t like her because she’s not a boy”.
“Society had already embedded the thought of something being wrong with me if I was attracted to the same sex”
The idea that as a girl, I should only like boys was already ingrained into my mind as a 10-year-old. Society had already embedded the thought of something being wrong with me if I was attracted to the same sex.
Fast forward to middle school as a 6th grader where I met my then best friend and had my first real girl crush. I tried (unsuccessfully) to push my attraction to her to the back of my head, still telling myself things like “I would like her if she was a boy”. I
t would take until sophomore year of high school to admit to her that I liked her in middle school and from there, my first girl kiss and fling. Stubbornly I still told myself that I didn’t like girls, I just liked her (laughing at 16-year-old me).
“I finally got to ask myself ‘who are you, really?'”
Then in college at 19 at VCU in Richmond, I attended pride with my older brother and he asked me if I was interested in girls and I said no, I’m just an ally. It wasn’t until I finally let go of a toxic on/off situation-ship with a guy whom I thought I was so in love with for years that I finally got to ask myself “who are you, really?”
I finally got a chance to look at myself and who I wanted to be, someone that was comfortable and confident in their skin. I admitted to myself finally that I do in fact like girls and I wanted to give myself that opportunity to pursue them romantically.
Little by little, I let go of the fear of what people would say. Comments like “what guy hurt you?” or “you just haven’t met the right guy” just didn’t matter anymore because I knew my truth.
It was around February 2018, me and my oldest brother went to Amsterdam to visit our family and my cousins accidentally noticed that I matched with some girls on tinder and was met warmly with “oh that’s cool” which was a major relief.
March came and I then moved on to telling my four brothers about a beautiful non-binary being I met and that I did in fact identify as queer. My brothers showered me with so much love and excitement. My favourite reaction was from Diego who said “oh, I already knew. It was pretty obvious since you were in HS”.
I also told my mom about the same amazing being over lunch at a restaurant and her initial shock – which if you knew me and my mom… was normal because we’re both just dramatic, turned into lovingly asking questions such as “when did you realise you felt this way?”. She expressed her love and support, as well as fear for how I may get treated in this society.
The confidence and strength I gained grew into me then also telling both of my grandparents, here in the states and my Oma (grandma) in the Netherlands that I identify as queer and again, was met with nothing but love and acceptance.
“I was brainwashed into believing that because I was a girl, I couldn’t like anyone but cis boys”
It’s funny because I look back and all the signs were there in my constant denial, but why was I in denial? Denial because I was brainwashed into believing that because I was a girl, I couldn’t like anyone but cis boys. Denial because I thought since I appeared “straight passing” or didn’t look gay that I could not openly express my identity within the LGBTQIA community.
I now stand firmly in knowing that my queer identity cannot and will not be erased. I will not be put into any box of what a stereotypical queer person should look like because there is no checklist. I am ever-changing and constantly redefining myself as I continue to experience this physical world. I’ve never felt more myself than I do today at 23 and I thank God for that.
I am aware that my journey has been met with love and support by all of those around me and this is not the case for many. I am aware that the yearning to challenge these norms and breakdown barriers has put many in our community into harmful and negative situations.
I know it is my responsibility to continue to advocate and use my voice to shed light on the importance of realising gender is a spectrum, sexuality is fluid, you can be both feminine and masculine, trans rights are human rights, and so much more.
“I am a black queer femme and I am so proud that I’ve gotten to this place”
I believe in love and I believe in the power of togetherness. I am a black queer femme and I am so proud that I’ve gotten to this place. There’s more learning to be done and more people to be made uncomfortable by creating a platform for these discussions to be had. We all deserve peace within ourselves.
Chenelle Hicks
Edited by Ash O'Keeffe
LGBTQ+ Activist
