Ari De B’s Coming Out Story

My coming out story might sound a bit unusual, but I want to talk about how I came out to myself. I’ve always known I was “different” – the type of word you use when you don’t have others. I was “not normal”, without knowing I was literally not normal as in not in the norms.

I grew up in an almost 100% white environment while being an Algerian migrant. My body has always been seen as too big or too strong or too fat. My hair as not straight enough – turns out it wasn’t the only thing that wasn’t straight enough about me haha. My style as not feminine enough… I even remember my mom telling me how desperate she was that I was a tomboy, that I was never going to be feminine. Which is hilarious considering how hard of a femme I am today.

“”white” and “straight” are not identities in the mind of white straight people. They’re just “normal””

Long story short, I’ve been dealing with racism, sexism, homophobia and body shaming for like ever. And all of that was quite a lonely path since all of my “friends” were white and straight. And of course, not even framing themselves as such, provided that “white” and “straight” are not identities in the mind of white straight people. They’re just “normal”.

So how could I even think of myself as something else? Not white, of course, but straight was not questionable, nor thinkable, for that matter.

And not even with all the experiences I was having with girls! From a very young age, indeed, and throughout middle school and high school, and even college actually, I’ve acted quite a lot on the attraction I was feeling for girls, but without putting words on it.

I wasn’t even considering it as “sex”, since sex was, as that time, to me – and probably to many more – “a man penetrating a woman with his d*ck” (wow I’ve come a long way).

So, I was playing straight, and it stayed like that until I met the person who was going to be my girlfriend for the next three years. It happened on the first day of my Masters, everything went slow-motion when she entered the room. I had no idea what was happening to me.

I was thinking about her all the time, dreaming about her, and even told my boyfriend after a few weeks of this unknown feeling – nowadays called a fucking massive crush! He was like “oh she probably has a lot of charisma and you want to be her friend”. I was like, “sure”.

“Everything started to make sense, finally. There were words to describe me, my identities, my lifestyle”

Two months after, this person and I were together and my whole life went upside down. Everything started to make sense, finally. There were words to describe me, my identities, my lifestyle. She was a hardcore anarchist queer feminist and showed me I was too.

She taught me so much, I’m forever grateful to her. Therefore, it only made sense for me to “use” her to frame me, being like “oh, I’m in love with a girl, cool, casual”, as if it was “just” this girl. As if my identity was defined by this relationship only.

I was learning, I was learning how to define myself, how to come out to myself. I read a lot, travelled a lot, met awesome words and awesome people, who all helped me through this process. I found out I was a radical feminist, and intersectionality changed my life like nothing before.

I found out I was a dyke, then a feminine dyke, then that it was okay, and then that it even had a word: femme. And even nuances to it, me being a hard femme, becoming feminine as I was “becoming” a dyke, with a profound understanding of the femme identity being out of the heteropatriarchal gaze and system.

“I found out I was a queer person of colour, feeling all the strength of this identity deep within me”

I found out I was fat, and that it wasn’t a bad word, and even sometimes a source of power. I found out I was queer, with all of the historical and political backgrounds of this identity, that I wanted to carry with me. I found out I was a queer person of colour, feeling all the strength of this identity deep within me.

I finally became myself, a qpoc curvy hard femme decolonial intersectional feminist body positive, a total hybrid, a giant identity octopus! Then, and only then, I started to feel like I could start trying to build my happiness. It was almost ten years ago.

“I’m literally using my body to create a narrative for me and people who can relate to me to feel valid and legit”

Now, as a dancer, and an activist one, I’m literally using my body to create a narrative for me and people who can relate to me to feel valid and legit. I use the visibility I have through my work to come out all the time, about all my identities, to empower others and let them know their existence is precious and they are not alone.

Representation is everything, community is everywhere, and it’s our job to build it constantly. Because together, we are stronger.