As an alien on the wrong planet. As an albatross – elegant and majestic in the skies, but unsuited when on a boat among the fishermen. This is how I’ve always felt growing up. I was a happy, curious child. I climbed trees as if they were old castles; I did all those things that people told me were masculine (apart from my dolls, that did not really fit in the masculine box).
The dark years came when I became a teenager. What saved me from venomous thinking was ink on paper, a cut in my own skin, poetry, literature, art. Depression held me in its arms many times during those years.
But I never showed it. Nobody knew. I have always put others first; nobody should see me as a burden or suffer because of me. The cuts were never visible. 26th of March was my preferred date to take my own life (this is something nobody knows). It is Keira Knightley’s birthday as well. I loved her. I had posters of her in my bedroom.
“I found out that being trans is a thing and many feel the same way”
I got a girlfriend and came out as a lesbian (such a funny thought now – wasn’t nice or pleasant at the time). Then this happened: at 17 years old, I found out that being trans is a thing and many feel the same way.
I was living in Italy at the time and I pushed the thought back since it seemed impossible to come out and transition. But once something clicks it is hard to keep it hidden. At 23 years old, I moved to Copenhagen – thirsty for a more open-minded environment, full of opportunities.
Ghosts from the past followed me and I had a period of depression and yellow jellyfish-like attacks – my mind wandered fast and owls peaked at me. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and got relief from the medicine I have now been taking for 4 years.
My psychiatrist saved my life. She sent me to the clinic that oversees helping trans people to transition. A bit of a nightmare to be honest: they need to assess if you are trans enough to be starting hormones and get surgery. After 2 years of sessions and physical checks, I got approved.
June 2015: testosterone started.
September 2015: top-surgery happened.
Prior to this/while this was going on: I started living as myself in 2013. I came out to my partner, family, friends, peers at school, co-workers. I was one of the lucky ones who got support and love for the most part. It doesn’t mean it was easy, but I am ok now and I still have most of the people I love around me.
When I told my parents, my mom cried and said “I love you”. My dad was silent but then said “We are here”. My grandpa said “Here is some money for an ice-cream my dear”, my grandma said “God made you this way, and there is no mistake then”.
“Is it to be brave when you need to do something?”
I came out in front of more than a hundred students on the first day of the semester at university – they told me I am brave. But is it to be brave when you need to do something? Is it courage when it’s about survival? Since then my strength has come back. My pride has grown, my self-esteem has sky-rocketed, my life has become something I love – not something I simply live.
I discovered the gym and bodybuilding – it has been my sanctuary ever since. I am both marble and sculptor. Empowering – the power of the mind and the power of the body. All that needs to change is the mindset and it is this that I am trying to teach people. All bodies are beautiful. All minds.
Nevan Solagna
Edited by Ash O'Keeffe
LGBTQ+ Activist / YouTuber