Growing up I always felt like I was different and didn’t fit in with the other kids. I was always so confused during elementary school when I would be called a boy or be grouped in with boys in school. I would go to sleep at night and pray that I would wake up as a girl the next day because then I would feel like I finally fit in.

This would make my life so much easier because people would finally see the real me and I could finally live my life authentically. As time went on, I just felt like all boys wanted to be girls and this was a normal way of thinking.

 

“Seeing my body and myself become more masculine made me feel like something was wrong”

 

When I started high school, this was when the most depressing and confusing times began. Going through male puberty was horrifying to me. Seeing my body and myself become more masculine made me feel like something was wrong. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. All of my friends were girls and at the time I was so jealous seeing them get their changes. 

When I was 16, I came out as a ‘gay male’. This made sense to me because I felt attracted to men and I was a ‘boy’ who wanted to be a girl. At the time this is what I believed it meant to be a gay guy. I thought that all gay guys wanted to be girls and therefore this was me.

After coming out as ‘gay,’ I started to become rebellious and was doing destructive things (like a lot of teenagers do). I thought that I was happy but there was still this voice in my head that told me something was wrong but I just couldn’t figure out the words to it. So, I lived my life as a ‘gay guy’ for a few years. My life was chaotic and not going anywhere but again I thought this was normal. 

When I was about 20 years old, I had finally figured it out: I wasn’t a gay man; I was actually a woman. I voiced this to 2 of my closest friends and they told me that they would be here for me no matter what and help me through the way.

I did some research on transitioning and this freaked me out. I did not want to go through with this. I then told my friends that I wasn’t actually a trans woman and that I was just confused.

 

“I didn’t want to be his boyfriend. I wanted to be his girlfriend”

 

I then got into a long-term relationship with a man and this made me feel somewhat happy. But the feelings of being a woman were still there. I didn’t want to be his boyfriend. I wanted to be his girlfriend. 

We broke up after two years of dating and about a month later, I began coming out to my close friends as a trans woman. This process was actually much easier than expected. I received so much love and support and no judgment at all. Finally, my life felt like it was making sense.

The scariest part was coming out to my parents. I told my mom first and she was worried but supportive. We then told my dad together and he was actually very understanding, which made me feel great about myself.  

I feel lucky that coming out was a positive experience for me, as I know that this is not the case for a lot of the LGBTQ+ community. I thought that this would be the end of coming out for me, but as I began to transition, I began to realise something else about myself; I was actually attracted to women and non-binary folk as well.

 

“I can safely say with confidence that I am a strong queer trans woman”

 

This confused me but it didn’t scare me. So, I had to “come out” a third time as being attracted to people regardless of their gender. I don’t regret any of these experiences as they have helped me become the strong woman who I am today. I can safely say with confidence that I am a strong queer trans woman. 

Jillian Hart

Edited by Ash O'Keeffe

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