As far as I can remember I had a very happy childhood, I was an innocent young child and didn’t know anything about transgender people. As a kid, I used to do a lot of girly things. Like playing with Barbie dolls, wearing my mother’s heels, putting on her lipstick and so on. I thought that it was just normal. My parents never seemed to mind me playing with them.

As I grew older, my stepfather was taking me out to do things that a “real man” should do. He was working in military and he loved fixing cars and going out hunting in his free time so he used to take me with him, but I always hated it.

Especially fixing those dumb old rusted cars, I just found it sooo boring and I was always complaining to my mother about that. But she always insisted that I should do things that he loved. I always had to follow my step-father and be a “real man” like him… 

School time for me was a nightmare. I was friends with a lot of girls, and my best friend was my older sister. I never had good relationships with boys. I just didn’t like sports and I hated doing all those things that boys usually do… I hated getting changed in the boys dressing room as I was very shy.

“I thought something was wrong with me and that it wasn’t normal”

I remember every time when we had to change for sports class, I always waited until my classmates finished changing their clothes so I could change without them being around me. At that time, I liked boys, but I didn’t know what being gay meant. I thought something was wrong with me and that it wasn’t normal. So, I kept it a secret. 

I used to like this one guy in the same class as me, I was so in love with him and scared at the same time. I remember even having him in my dreams but I knew that I should keep it as a secret otherwise I could get in big trouble. My family didn’t know anything about me being ‘gay’, not even me…

As time passed while I was still in high-school (18 years old) I started to realise I was gay (or so I thought). The time it took for me to realise was because I didn’t have any resources to look it up. I never met or saw anyone like me. I just didn’t have access to the Internet.

I was still bullied at school, being called horrible names and I was just so done with it and I wanted it all to end. It was so bad that I dreaded going to school, I was always faking illness so I could stay at home. Sometimes I just ran into the woods and imagined never coming back.

“I was desperate and had to tell someone about what was going on with me”

But of course, the will to go back home always took over and I always went back… I was desperate and had to tell someone about what was going on with me. So, after a few years I accepted who I thought I was (gay). I decided to come out to my aunt. She took it so easily that I couldn’t believe it.

She was so positive about it despite Latvian people being very negative about it. (The LGBTQ+ community doesn’t have any rights in Latvia and it’s considered an illness.) I got up the courage and told my oldest sister as well, and of course, she was super supportive of me and I was so happy… Until…

After a few years (20 years old) I moved to the capital of Latvia, Riga. I was so excited about what my future would hold. My family lived 100km away from me. I felt like I could do anything I wanted to do and I didn’t have to hide anything from them. It was like a new chapter in my life and I was starting to study biology which I really enjoyed.

In the meantime, I had a couple of gay friends with whom I used to go to the gay clubs with and just dance my ass off. I saw some drag queens and I was so intimidated, but I also wanted to try it. So, during New Year’s Eve me and my best friend dressed up as drag queens and we hit the clubs.

“I had this rush of emotional feelings that were putting all the puzzle pieces together”

I felt so powerful and relieved at the same time, I felt as though it was me. I had like some kind of “click” in my brain and from that day I started to question my gender. I didn’t know that I was trans until I started to dress up. I had this rush of emotional feelings that were putting all the puzzle pieces together.

I started to dig deeper and I found this YouTuber (Gigi Gorgeous) and I watched her videos, I was so amazed at how brave she was. From that moment on I just knew that I was transgender. 

I grew out my hair while I was still studying and dyed it blonde so I would feel more feminine. I tried to suppress the person I truly was (at that time my study mates knew that I was “gay”). All the suppression made me very depressed and I started to consume a lot of alcohol. And I really mean A LOT. I used to drink every day hoping that it’d help me forget my true desires.

I then decided I had to stop and that I should care more about myself so I decided to transition. I spent so much time online looking for doctors who would be able to help me. I couldn’t find any in Latvia so I just had to look somewhere abroad and I found a clinic in Serbia which was specialising in transgender people. So, I just emailed them and after a while, I was there. It was my happiest day ever! 

“I knew I had to tell my family about it sooner or later because they had suspicions about me”

After a few long roller-coaster months passed, I started to feel much better about myself. I got much more confident and I just felt like myself. I knew I had to tell my family about it sooner or later because they had suspicions about me. Like once when I was visiting my family, they could see that I was starting to look different – more feminine.

So, one day my mother was picking raspberries in her field and I just joined her. She was asking me what’s happening with me and she asked me if I’ll grow my hair longer, I said yes, why not!? Then she got silent… And we just stopped talking.

I was trying to tell her but I just couldn’t. I just felt that if I told her about me wanting to change gender, then I would let her down and people would judge my family… I was petrified.

Again, time passed and I went back to Riga and started to dress up as a woman. By that time, it just came so naturally to me that I really didn’t care what people thought about me. I knew I had to tell my family about my true self, so the first person I came out as transgender to was my older sister.

I called her, I was so stressed and anxious. But when I told her, she was just happy for me. She said that she knew about me and that she 100% supports me. She said it doesn’t matter who you are as long as I’m happy. And she was very happy to have one more sister.

After I told my older sister, I came out to my entire family and they were super supportive about it. It felt so unreal for me. I was so grateful to have such an awesome family! Not all transgender people can have such a supportive family. And not all transgender people can have medical access as well as the funds for transitioning.

“it’s not easy to break through and show your wings, but it’s the best feeling in the world”

We all are special in our own way, it’s not easy to break through and show your wings, but it’s the best feeling in the world. I wish for everyone to find their inner strength and be yourself. As ordinary and common as it sounds – YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE!