Growing up I was always a tomboy, loved playing football with the boys, riding bikes and scooters, playing PlayStation with male friends as I just got on with them a lot easier. 

In secondary school, I started to become a bit more girly, had female best friends. But when I would see pretty girls I couldn’t tell if I was envious, appreciated their pretty looks or if I actually fancied them. I tried to put the thoughts to the back of my head and just get on with life.

“I was allowing myself to be me”

I started to get a lot of followers on social media because of my music and some of those followers were young lesbians. I started to talk to them online and it was like I was allowing myself to be me. They didn’t ask if I was gay but I think they knew I was at least curious.

Through this following I started talking to a girl that was a few years older than me, we became really close through social media and started dating. But no one apart from us and the small “circle of lesbians” I had online knew. I didn’t even tell my best friend at first. I wanted to make sure my mum knew before other friends and family members. 

This girl that I had started an online relationship with would come and visit, stay at mine, but we would tell everyone we were just good friends. When I would go up and stay at hers, as her friends knew she was gay, we could be more open, be ourselves. Her friends knew that we were together.

One day, for some reason we had an argument. She forced me to tell my mum about us (even though none of her family knew she was gay). I was petrified, but only for a few minutes. My mum is one of the most understanding, open-minded people I have ever known. I knew she wouldn’t disown me or hate me for being attracted to girls. But I had lied to her, I’d told her this girl that was coming to the house was just a good friend. THAT is what I was more scared of.

I wrote my mum a letter (which she has kept until this day). I explained who the girl that had been staying really was, I explained that I knew I wasn’t straight but I still wasn’t sure if I was a lesbian, bisexual or if I was curious. I dropped the letter on her lap and ran back to my room!

That’s when my heart started to race! I heard footsteps coming along, my mum opened my bedroom door and just looked at me. Not with disgrace, or shock or even sympathy. She looked at me and gave a small smile, I could see that she had a small tear in her eye. She sat on my bed and explained ‘I’m not sure what to say because I’ve never been in this position before’.

“I felt the biggest weight had been lifted off my shoulders”

Of course, she asked the obvious ‘could it be a phase?’ But I wasn’t mad at her for assuming that, I wasn’t even sure myself! We hugged and I felt the biggest weight had been lifted off my shoulders, my mum was there to support me. 

My mums biggest fear was that I’m a female that’s over 6ft tall, I’m half black and now I had a girlfriend. These are all things that people get bullied for and my mum was, understandably concerned that I was all 3! But that didn’t matter to me, I was slowly figuring out who I really am!

I turned to Facebook to tell all of my friends and other family members. That status got more ‘likes’ and comments on it than any other status I had ever posted. The love came flooding in. The one or two that didn’t agree just didn’t speak to me, and I still don’t miss them now! A couple of people said they already knew, which was quite funny. I wish they had told me before, then I wouldn’t have had to go through figuring it out for myself! Lol.

“I’m surrounded by friends and family that accept and love me for who I am”

Now I perform at gay pride as an mc (Mizz Lyrikal) alongside some huge artists! I have the most beautiful fiancee that I am getting married to next year. I’m surrounded by friends and family that accept and love me for who I am! I don’t really identify as gay or lesbian or bisexual. I just love who I love!

“Why are people not afraid to tell others when they are straight?”

But why was I ever worried about telling people in the first place? Why are people not afraid to tell others when they are straight? Why did I feel that I needed to keep it a secret from my mum and best friend? Because society made me feel that way! But it’s better now. There’s a much bigger support group, social media, more open-minded people.

Don’t be afraid, we are all here for you. Release that weight from your shoulders and share your worries and fears with someone similar. You’re not alone.