Tirrell Cherry’s Coming Out Story

I can’t say my coming out experience is particularly unique, in fact, I can offer many other examples of people who have had to overcome much bigger obstacles. People who’ve had to leave home, escape abuse and fight hard because living their truth was a life or death situation.

“What I felt for my male friends needed to be kept a secret at all costs”

Looking back on my childhood, it’s easy to recognize all the little signs of my queerness. An affinity with “girly” things, soft demeanour, never really feeling aligned to societal norms of how boys should act. I had a full understanding, pretty early on, that what I felt for my male friends needed to be kept a secret at all costs.

Growing up, gay-shaming was normal. Being a male person of colour, culturally, homosexuality was not an option and my immediate family made it clear that they would never accept any of that “gay stuff”. Which I took as them saying they would never accept me. So I spent a lot of time trying to hide the gay aspects of myself that felt so natural but would ultimately blow my cover.

I had my first experience with a guy at 14 while deep in the closet. We were both on the swim team and I’d spent the night before a meet the next day. It was during a game of truth or dare (surprise, surprise) that I found myself touching and kissing another boy, but my fear of being outed wouldn’t allow me to go any further and I felt so much shame after that. At 17 I opened up to a girl friend, telling her how I was bisexual; I was thinking being bisexual would be easier for her to accept, but it was for my benefit in reality.

Even still I felt that this was such a liberating moment, finally, I had someone in my corner. I was lucky in that the group of friends I had in high school were a great bunch and I couldn’t have asked for a more understanding group. After my first friend, I slowly began coming out first to all the girls and then the few guy friends I had.

“I didn’t want to hide any more, I wanted to express myself”

Flash forward to my first year of college and I had a tight circle of straight and gay friends I could really be myself with. I would hang out at the one gay bookstore in town, found gay youth meetups, met people at school and was beginning to feel a bit more in line with my sexuality. I didn’t want to hide any more, I wanted to express myself, and was now exploring a world I hadn’t been able to before.

Sounds pretty great except for the fact that I was living a double life. Connecting and being free with my friends, experiencing a whole bunch of new things. Dating, clothing, music, dancing; it was all so freeing. Then at home, with my family, my mom specifically, I was still keeping her in the dark, fearful that they would never accept me.

It’s kind of funny how things all played out. I never found the courage to approach my mom with some big revelation. I didn’t write a letter, there wasn’t this profound heart to heart. My mom simply found a gay novel I’d been reading / poorly hiding in my room. It was explicit, sexy, and was a way I escaped when I felt as though I couldn’t have the type of love I really really wanted, reading about gay love helped.

I was out with my friends when she called and almost as soon as I answered she demanded “Tirrell – are you gay?!”. Having been through this multiple times with her over the years I could’ve taken my usual stance of denial denial denial. This time was different though, I guess I was different.

“I’d finally let fly my biggest darkest secret to the one person I was most fearful of ever finding out”

Maybe I felt empowered through telling all of my friends, maybe I didn’t want to give up this new exciting time in my life, maybe I saw the little bit of freedom I gained slipping through my fingers. I don’t know, but in that split second I told her “Yes”. No explanation, no story about being bisexual, nothing more. I’d finally let fly my biggest darkest secret to the one person I was most fearful of ever finding out.

The first few months were the roughest, that phone call was the beginning of lots of crying, screaming and arguing. My mom would cry hysterically, constantly ask me why, why I would do this, how I could do this to her; there was a lot of pain and fear mixed in that I couldn’t understand then.

I still lived at home and felt on edge being there; I woke up to my mom praying by my beside once, she tried dragging me to church, and every time we were together it was an all-out war.

“I was only making a choice to live a truth I’d been suppressing since I could first remember”

Her sadness hardened, maybe it was a last ditch effort to scare some sense into me, but that’s when the side remarks about dying from HIV or how grave a sin it was to be gay would start become her daily message. Even my well-meaning uncle met with me once to educate about the hardships I would face being POC and gay, that choosing this life wouldn’t turn out well for me. My own message was that I was only making a choice to live a truth I’d been suppressing since I could first remember.

Coming out to my family was a challenge, luckily I had a network of friends I could lean into during that time. I eventually moved out of my mom’s house, explored even more, dated guys, made a huge career pivot and became a hairstylist. My relationship with my mom was fractured but not completely severed, there were moments when I really needed her and she was always right there.

Eventually, after a lot of space, I’m talking a few cities and years between us. We argued less and I slowly stopped feeling like I needed to hide the person I’d become. I was able to understand a little more her fear for the way my life would turn out but didn’t feel responsible or the need to live up according to her beliefs.

“I’m happy to say everything worked out just fine”

She visited me a few months ago in San Francisco and that was such an epic moment for the both of us for so many reasons. I was able to show her confidently the life I’d created, she met my queer friends, even laughed and hugged on a few. Through it all, I like to believe we both grew from my coming out experience, there’s so much love there and I’m happy to say everything worked out just fine.