At a young age, I learned that there are people who dislike those who are different. Because of that, I have spent the majority of my life trying to change who I am. Growing up, I inherently accepted the fact that I was oftentimes the target of derogatory jargon. Friends’ siblings tossed “faggot” towards me long before I even understood the negative connotation. I attended soccer practices that echoed slanderous whispers as I naively longed to fit the mould.
I also grew to understand the lack of sympathy towards those of us who did not uphold the societal cookie cutter standards when I heard friends laughing about a gay boy’s decision to jump off of a bridge due to how mistreated he was at school. The more I strived to match this unattainable shape, the darker a cloud of self-hatred grew around me.
I would develop hobbies for the sole purpose of social assimilation, knowing that boys were supposed to watch football and play video games to earn society’s stamp of approval.
“I thought I would have to marry a woman and sacrifice my happiness for society’s expectations”
I always dreamt that this nightmare would go away, so I prayed every night for as long as I can remember that God would “fix” me; crying “Why, God, why? What have I done wrong?” I believed that I wasn’t meant to find love and that I would have to play pretend – forever conscious of how I walked, talked, and formed opinions. I thought I would have to marry a woman and sacrifice my happiness for society’s expectations.
One of my biggest concerns was that I wouldn’t have as many career opportunities. I was once told by a business mentor of mine that he denied a business deal with someone on account of their sexual orientation. Learning this made me further question if I could ever truly be myself along with the fear of if I could ever hide myself well enough to achieve success in my career.
In some ways, I remember being grateful for my parents’ four-year divorce – it provided an excuse and a mask for the true pain I was facing. From grade school to high school, I struggled with self-harm because it allowed for an escape and liberation in ways that I couldn’t even begin to explain. I would pierce, slice, burn, and fantasize about an unexpected death. I felt such little worth in my own flesh and existence, leading me to contemplate suicide for years. Thankfully, my internal belief that there was good to come dominated the desire to act on those fantasies.
“I began to learn how to accept who I was”
During the summer after my sophomore year in college, I interned in Argentina. It provided me with a rebirth of sorts; I didn’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations. So, for the first time, I dared to think: “How would I live if I was completely myself?” That summer was when I began to learn how to accept who I was. The time from then to now has been an exploration of myself and all that I repressed for years – all the things I did daily to maintain my carefully crafted appearance.
It has been an interesting transition to start dating again on my own terms – making the mistakes and realizations my friends made years before. Collapsing in an alleyway one evening, I experienced my first heartbreak at the age of 20 and soon crawled back to someone who had cheated on me.
It’s been a little over a year since I first came out to a great friend of mine. Her love and support created a foundation of courage for me to come out to my family. Although, a Target parking lot was not an ideal place for the worst ugly cry of my life. Since then, many of my fears have subsided, and I am blown away by the progress I have made.
“I’m finally growing into the person I am and have always wanted to be”
In all honesty, it’s embarrassing to admit how I used to think, feel, and see myself, but these feelings were so ingrained in the lost person I once was. My family and friends have been extremely supportive, but not all people have that privilege. I am so happy with where I am, and I firmly believe that everything has happened for a reason. I’m finally growing into the person I am and have always wanted to be.
There are so many stories like this out there. I don’t think I’m particularly noble for posting this nor do I think I have had greater struggles than my peers. However, I hope this creates a tangible reality for those reading and ignites courage in anyone struggling – so many people are here for you.
We will not leave you behind, and we will not let you fall. Your sexuality isn’t something to be ashamed of. Being gay used to be a hindrance, but is now my strongest driving force. Life is defined by small moments of courage.
