Let me start by saying that I always knew (since I can remember) that I was different to other boys. There were times when I was of the opinion I was not even a real boy. Growing up in the 80’s in East Germany was already difficult for a boy who always wanted to explore the world, and now this boy also felt extremely attracted to men.
Gosh, I remember watching the Olympic Summer Games in Los Angeles in 1984, I was like 6 years old. I could not take my eyes off the American male athletes: firstly I loved their strengths and how handsome they looked (especially the African American athletes..jeez); secondly they lived in the country that this young ‘special’ boy always dreamt of visiting one day.
“In East Germany expressions like ‘gay’ or ‘homosexuality’ simply did not exist”
I was always of the opinion there is this girl inside of me that wants and needs ‘her’ space. It was not easy to live this way but again I did not know better. I was special, I was different but never bullied by anyone though.
In 1990 my family and I have moved to West Germany. I was 12 years old. Here is where somehow a lot went down. Puberty kicked in and I began to realize how much more open but also difficult and closed-minded the so-called ‘Free World’ can be. Suddenly I have learned about ‘homosexuality’, ‘transsexuality’ or ‘being gay’ which was an amazing thing for a second.
I knew there was no girl inside of me, I knew I was not transsexual…out of the blue I finally knew I was gay which has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. A second later I had to find out that most people back then were of the opinion gay men are not REAL men, are child molesters, are second class citizens, or need to be banished to their own island. I am sure everyone can imagine that the weight that was just lifted off my shoulders, came right back… 50 pounds heavier.
So through my school years, I basically lived the ‘normal’ life of a student.. good grades, many friends, parties, vacations etc….BUT I have never dated anyone… neither girls nor boys… I was single and too scared to mingle. When I was like 19 years old I told myself: Oliver, you need to change something. You are always so confident in everything you do, you are there for everybody like 24/7, you want to make sure that everybody around you is happy… but what about your own happiness?
Thinking about me, my life, my future, the fact I was never in a relationship, never felt the FIRST LOVE (I had a huge crush on my best male friend at this time) has guided me into a deep and serious depression. Along with the depression, I have also developed an eating disorder, I basically did not eat at all
“I WAS READY TO FINALLY TAKE THE LAST STEP AND TELL THE WORLD WHO I REALLY WAS”
It took me 2 years to overcome my depression completely. My eating habits still used to be a little weird-ish but I was fine. 21, newly found confidence, skinny. I was ready to finally take the last step and tell the world who I really was. I knew I needed to start with my family and friends. Oh, did I mention that I was also dating someone… my first boyfriend who truly had my back and encouraged me to finally come out.
So he and I went to this carnival in a town next to the village I used to live. I knew my family would be there and my friends also. Man, we looked really cute together. I was nervous but so sure about this ‘coming out’ at the same time. I knew it had to happen that particular day. The first person who crossed our path was my mom.
She was on her way to get drinks for herself and some family members. I asked my boyfriend to keep moving along alone since he wanted to get money from the ATM. He did not know that I have already spotted my mom.
She smiled and asked: so, who’s this cutie? Is he your boyfriend?
Man, I know I was blushing like crazy and silently said: Yes, he is.
My mom was soooo happy for me. She gave me this huuuuuge hug saying: well, I hope you will introduce me to him now.
After he came from the ATM I introduced him to my mom, they instantly had a connection. Well, 5 minutes later he was introduced to everybody of the family that was hanging out at the carnival. I remember I was just standing there in total disbelief that after all, it was so easy to come out to my family. I broke out in tears, happy tears of course. This happened on a Saturday. By Sunday night everybody who was close to me knew about me being gay.
“you did it, you have finally arrived, this is the real you”
I woke up the next Monday morning thinking to myself: You did it, you have finally arrived, this is the real you…no more hiding, no more pretending…love yourself cause love always wins. That’s how I live since coming out. I am happy and glad that so much has changed over the past decades but we still need to come a long way.
