Being the only boy in the year at school to have a female only friendship group raised suspicions among peers. The constant hair colour changes and ridiculous outfits must have been a dead giveaway too, in what world would a straight boy wear zebra print skinny jeans?
“I felt trapped in myself because I couldn’t confide in my loved ones”
Who knows why I thought that telling my friends and ultimately the entire school that I was a peculiar gay boy was the best idea. Telling everyone but my family was the worst mistake I made. It gave me paranoia that somehow the news would leak and they would find out. It gave me depression because I felt trapped in myself because I couldn’t confide in my loved ones.
Ultimately it tore me apart inside. Coincide that with a broken family and an absent father figure and you have yourself a superbly toxic concoction. Who doesn’t love a mix of anxiety, paranoia, depression and daddy issues in a 13-year-old?
“The only constant warm and love in my life was my mum”
After telling the entire school that I was gay, the next logical step was obviously instant regret and two years of trying to hide it from my family. At the time it was the most embarrassing and humiliating thing to tell my family. In hindsight, I have no idea why I was so scared. It wasn’t until I was around fifteen that I officially told my mum. The only constant warmth and love in my life was my mum.
We had just been to pick up my new laptop from the shops and it was a smooth ride home until One Direction came on the radio.
One Direction song playing.
Mum: “Do you think they are good looking?”
Me: “I guess so..”
Awkward pause for a few seconds.
Mum: “Are you gay?”
Me: (Crying) “Yes”
Awkward silence resumes.
Essentially that was me telling my mum I was gay. When we got home I instantly ran upstairs and stayed there for the evening. I have no idea why I wasn’t brave and unashamed of who I was. But who could blame me? In life all I saw as a child were male and female couples on tv and in movies, learning about Adam and Eve in school and being neglected to be told about alternative love. Without us realising it, children are conditioned into believing in the tale of one man and one woman.
A few months later my sister outed me to my nan. Without warning or a second thought, she told her I was gay and destroyed my heart in seconds. I wasn’t ready to tell her yet, I loved her to bits but I didn’t want her to know yet. I couldn’t believe what had happened.
“The most important people in my life knew about me and I could finally move on”
Months passed by and neither of us said a word about it to each other until we took the dog out for a walk and she told me; “I wasn’t sure at first. I spent a lot of time thinking about it, but what I know is that the Lord only wants you to be happy, and if you are, then so am I”. I felt like a weight had been lifted. The most important people in my life knew about me and I could finally move on.
The news slowly filtered through to the rest of the family and not a bad word has been said. I have talked about Grindr with my mum and introduced boyfriends to my family and I have never felt better finally being me.
The only awkward times I have had are conversations about meeting guys online, my apparently not so inconspicuous daddy issues and sexual health. Other than that, being a little gay boy has been a rollercoaster of dark times and wonderful times. But that is what has made me who I am and I am proud of it.
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