I put my headphones in as soon as I got comfortable behind the computer screen. I was hiding my face from my roommate, who kept asking me if I was 100% sure I was straight. She was questioning her sexuality and struggling with religion and a traditional family. I had already told her I am very open minded, never say never, but let’s say 99,9% sure.
I mean, I had just ended a long relationship with a boy, who happened to live across the road, as we had planned to study together. Great timing there. I didn’t need to scroll down the Netflix page, as I had already started watching Orange Is The New Black. Continue watching.
Dear reader – that is when I first saw Ruby Rose. I had heard people talk about her, but I had never really paid attention and only knew she was some woman with short hair that everyone had their “woman crush” on.
Well, I had never had a woman crush, but then I had never seen a woman who wasn’t completely feminine. It took me about one second to realize I was attracted to her and about one more second to grab my phone. I messaged maybe five of my closest friends.
I’m not a secretive person.
“So if I’m attracted to Ruby Rose, does that mean I’m bisexual?”
Oh, how little I knew.
After this experience, I found all information I could online, on Google, Pinterest, Instagram… I’m sure I drove my friends absolutely crazy. After a while, I remember ticking bisexual on a research questionnaire. I was a participant in a study about how the brain is normally used to seeing heterosexual couples. My brain had a moderate preference for same-sex couples, which was unusual, but I’m pretty sure I tried hard to maintain equality.
A project like that does of course not indicate whether or not you’re gay yourself. Just need to throw that in there.
Over the Christmas Holiday, I went home to Norway and spoke to my friends face to face. They asked a lot of questions, some I couldn’t answer, some I still can’t answer. Regardless, it helped me clear my head and the question my best friends asked made me focus on the real matter of the future:
“Could you actually lick a vagina?”
No. Maybe? I don’t know! I have too much family reading my writing, so I will stop that conversation right there and get back to the actual “coming out”.
Let’s just say I haven’t been attracted to a man since I realized I was not at all 99.9% straight. Because I was so quick to tell my closest friends about my discovery, I didn’t have to think about some big reveal of the news. I never felt that I was “coming out”. I threw wild hints around my parents.
My dad thought I was with my best friend in England because we were together all the time. My mom didn’t seem like she understood the hints at all. Turns out she did, but she really didn’t care who I was dating as long as I was happy. Her face didn’t change the slightest when I said I got a girls number. I think my dad knew for sure when I was very excited Pride was happening at the same time I was going to London for a week.
I was somewhat uncomfortable with telling other friends about it all. Just because it was still new to me and although I didn’t expect any negative reactions, it was just awkward. It’s like the words just won’t come out. Oh, how well I understand it can be tough to come out. And what words are you even going to use? “Oh, and by the way, I realized I’m actually gay, so yeah.” It’s not going to be left with that, it will definitely be a bit more of a conversation.
The reactions were always positive, but I did get reactions that showed very little knowledge and awareness. I still do. From the cliché “was he mean to you?” to forced labelling and over-excitement. “OMG THAT’S SOOO COOOOL THAT YOU’RE GAY, WOW!” It all made it clear that I want to do as much as I can for the LGBTQ+ community.
I know my “coming out” went smoothly. To me, it was just one, big, exciting adventure. A turn for the better. It is truly heartbreaking that a lot of people, even in Norway and England, have to face negative experiences because of their sexuality. It just really doesn’t matter who you love. It really won’t affect anyone else. I mean, it’s LOVE.
How is that a problem? It might be the only thing in this world that isn’t a problem.
I have changed so much the last couple of years. I’ve learned so much. And it has all been for the better. I feel more confident, rooted, and happy. And I wish that for everyone.