As a child, I was always mesmerized by girls. I fantasize about things of what I wanted to do to them. But I was shy and kept those thoughts to myself.
In high school, my attractive towards girls grew even stronger. I would get nervous, stumble my words, and get a little bit sweaty.
Yet, I didn’t know what these feelings were called or even had a label at the time. I just knew I liked them more so than guys. I learned about the terms and talked about these feelings with my friends who were bi-sexual at the time. They understood what I went through. However, I was teased about having feelings for girls. Therefore, I pretended to live the straight life throughout the rest of my high school life and into college.
When I was 19, I had my first serious relationship with a man for 1 year and 11 month. A first love. I kept a journal about my feelings for girls when we were living together. One day, he stumbled upon my journal and was shocked. It turned him on and wanted to get a threesome happening. I guess it was nice to see him support being bi sexual at the time. Throughout the relationship, he was abusive mentally and almost had some physical abuse from him. He was possessive, jealous, and thought I was going to cheat on him with a man or woman. He would yell at me over anything. Strange because he later admitted he slept with another woman and said it was the plan for our threesome, yet, that never happened.
We ended the relationship in bad terms and I was demolished from the relationship. I had lost myself when I was him and question who I am.
After the relationship, at 21, I embraced about being bi sexual and did online dating for a year and a half. Truly experimented, I had a lot of one night stands and a few flings with guys. The moment I met a girl, it completely flipped my life around. There was one girl who I met online. We flirted, met up for drinks, and stayed over at her place. I laid next to her thinking I was going to pass out for being drunk, but she kissed me. I was surprise and kept going into the morning. We had a few more occurrences with hooking up and chatting.
Although, our fling lasted for one month and a half. She ghosted me and moved on with a new girl. I thought I did something wrong. I was mad. Then I realize I was more so a lesbian than a bi sexual.
At 22, I slowly started coming out. I came out to my former teachers. They were my closest relationship which they practically raised me almost as their child throughout school. They were extremely happy that I revealed my sexuality and showed how true I am about myself to them.
Slowly is the key words, I came out to my immediate family – few were happy but many were shocked. My family isn’t used to seeing anyone being gay or a lesbian and believed the girls in the family are to get married and have kids. In between my coming out, at 24, i met a woman who was a second love. When we became Facebook official, it shocked everyone. They were supportive and happy to see me with someone. My friends knew I was a lesbian from the moment they met me. Shoot, even my father was happy. At first he was like “What!? You’re gay?!” Then he was fine with it and moved on. There was one person who did not accept me at first.
That was my mother. At 25, when I told her I was a lesbian, she cried and became angry. She didn’t believe it. She had me go through a spiritual cleansing to read into my future about my sexuality and have that person say my future belongs with man. Total bullshit all the way. I didn’t believe 100% of what was said. It made my mom happy. I brushed it off.
It wasn’t until in the beginning of this year, I spoke up about our conversation and asked how she felt. She became more accepting at terms about my sexuality and stated as long as I’m happy she will support me even though it’s not what she wanted. I was happy to hear that regardless of what was said.
I can finally say my coming out wasn’t easy.
The overall shift occurred over 7 years and it took 4 years to embrace my sexuality and people to accept and love me as who I am. I am 28 now. My relationship with the woman ended last year and that was sad. However, I transformed since then and embraced new possibilities for my life alongside with my community. I open myself attend any local LGBT events. I even travelled to San Francisco over the summer to attend my first out of town pride celebration. I am happy what coming out has done for me.
52 Environmental Portraiture. It’s a portrait weekly series where I photograph a new person every week, sharing who they are and our time through visual storytelling. My blog is on my website – sallyphnouk.com