What actually is asexuality?
When individuals hear the term ‘Asexual’ they may think that it means abstaining from sex, hating sex or are just plain against the idea of sex.
But this is not the case. Although asexuals experience a lack of sexual attraction to people, it does not mean that they cannot ever have sex as sexual attraction is not the same as sexual behaviour. It’s simply that asexuals do not desire sex.
Sadly, a lot of people ‘don’t believe’ in asexuality and think that they just haven’t met the right person or that it’s just a phase. Like all other sexualities, asexuality is a spectrum which means it can have many different subsets within that different people feel more comfortable identifying with.
Just because you don’t fully understand something does not mean it isn’t real. Asexuals are valid and they should not be dismissed. It’s extremely important that we show the world asexuality exists, to see many more misconceptions about asexuality, click here!
Asexuality can be a different experience for each person and there are various subsets within asexuality, check out some below!
- Gray Asexual – this is a term used to describe someone who feels that their sexuality lies somewhere on the spectrum between asexuality and sexuality. This may be because they only experience sexual attraction on a rare occasion or under specific circumstances.
- Demisexual – these individuals do not experience primary sexual attraction but may experience secondary sexual attraction after a close emotional connection has been formed. The bond does not have to be of a romantic nature.
To find out more info on asexuality, click here!
Loretta has kindly shared with us her views and personal experience surrounding asexuality. She shows that asexuality is a different and unique experience for each individual.
Asexuality is something I know i’ve been my whole life.
I spent years trying to deny it, that I just didn’t find anyone sexually appealing yet, that I’d just find the right guy, that the thought of sex was cringy and gross to me just because of my age and because I had to do it, but that’s not it. Those are excuses.
Asexuality seems scary but it’s really not. It’s very simple. People think that an asexual can never be turned on, can never have sex, can never have a relationship, can never find someone sexually appealing. That’s not true.
Everyone has the hormones and sexual stimulation inside us. For some people, it’s just not what we want, that’s what it is in my case, anyway. People can go through torment of it.
I spent my whole school and college life denying that I was asexual, so I never endured nasty comments from classmates. My parents still don’t accept that I’m asexual, even some of my closest friends say “you just have to find the right guy”. That’s not true.
I don’t want to have sex, the thought of it makes me cringe. Even if I feel the need to masturbate, which happens to every asexual and only happens to me just before my period, it makes me feel sick when I do. That’s just me. It’s not a case of “finding the right person”, it’s a case of I don’t want to have sex, I don’t like the thought of sex, it doesn’t appeal to me.
That’s not just it though, some people do end up being sexually active in their life & that’s normal. Asexuals can have sex, it’s not forbidden, just like gay people can have sex with the different sex to them if they want to. It doesn’t stop you from having relationships, nor does it cause strains in the relationship.
It is difficult to find someone who is asexual to date, but in my personal opinion, because of my asexuality, my partner sleeping with someone else wouldn’t be cheating. It would be them fulfilling their sexual needs that I can’t and don’t want to give to them, as long as they are coming home to me, telling me they love me, that’s not cheating.
I’m panromantic, I do want relationships, just without the sexual part and no, sex isn’t what makes the closeness of relationships, and it doesn’t mean I’m just looking for a close friendship. I want a relationship, like everyone has, just minus one thing.
Asexuality is normal, and it IS valid in the LGBT+ community, a lot of people deny it, but it is included. We live in shame and embarrassment for most of our lives, we feel afraid to come out as asexual, we get torment, we get told we’re not asexual and we just need to find the right person.
We have no community to join into, apart from LGBT+. It’s normal. it’s quite common. It doesn’t stop relationships from happening. asexuals can masturbate, can be turned on, can have sex. The stigma that they don’t needs to be stopped, The stigma that asexuality doesn’t exist also needs to be stopped. Because we exist. and I am a prime example of one.
As Loretta has bravely shown, asexuals still receive an awful amount of stigma because of their sexuality. Asexuals are people too, which means they have the same emotional needs as any of us and are as capable of forming close intimate relationships.
Like everyone, asexuals are individuals who all have a unique identity. Because of this, you can’t say that no asexuals have sex or all asexuals masturbate. Some do and some don’t, but nobody can invalidate them because of their sexuality.
The Unite Team